I'm scheduled to lead worship in church tomorrow.

And here I'm sitting here feeling discouraged. I don't know what it is... It could be just the weight of the planning-- which songs to pick, what the best order would be, what should be done to make it conducive to a better worship atmosphere, whether the congregation will take to that new song I'm introducing, etc.

Or it could just be that maybe, once again, after everything's been said and done, I still feel inadequate. I still feel like I shouldn't be up there leading the praise and worship. I still feel like I'm out of place. As if I don't belong somehow...

But I know that no matter how much I try, I cannot make people worship Him. All I can do is prepare the songs as best I can and lead the team in praising His name... What the congregation does is up to them.

But you know, despite all that I've been through, despite all my feelings, the despair, and how unworthy I feel, all it takes is to hear the voice of God in worship to remind me how wrong I am about myself. He reminds me that worship's all about Him, and that it always has been.

He reminds me that when the devil is dredging up the guilt and memories of past sins, I can seek refuge in His shadow. I can find rest in Him. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Thank You God, that Your faithfulness endures always, where mountains fall and reason fails. When I feel like I'm dying inside, when I feel like I'm going to be overwhelmed by the turmoil within me, You calm the raging seas and You calm the storms in me over and over again. My heart will praise throughout the night where singing seems a sacrifice.

All I know is I find rest in You... Your grace is all I need.


Lyrical credits:
Rest In You by Hillsong United

What Would You Do?

I sometimes wonder, "What if I died?"
Would they know that I loved them,
Despite that I lied?
Would they know my feelings
And all I held within?
I wonder if they'd discover
The depth of my sin.

I am so full of anger
And sometimes hate
At the fact that they refuse
To understand or relate.
Not that they could
Even if they tried,
Which leaves me quite alone
With no one in which to confide.

We laugh and we smile
Alone and together.
You call me your friend,
Through fine or stormy weather.
You would never hesitate
To give me a helping hand
But if you knew the truth
Do you really think you'd understand?

Or would you be so quick
To point the condemning finger?
How long would you last, my friend,
How long would you linger?

Whether you can't understand, or whether you won't,
You think you do, but in reality you don't.

JJ, you inspire me.

I don't know how you do it... For me, it always seems that there's someone who overcomes the fence simply because it's not feasible for me to avoid them. On the other hand, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I ever really made the fence that high. Whenever I meet someone I'm attracted to, I seem to be pulled along in the ensuing tide of emotions, and then one day I wake up and discover I'm depressed about a guy I can never admit I love to anyone. And then all I can do is weather the storm and wait for it to blow over. Which could take months or even years. And there have been times it has taken that long. Now I'm not the type of person who has a crush on someone every week or something. In the 2 decades of my short life, I've only ever loved 3 guys, all straight.

The first one was my first major crush on a guy... the kind where you'd get butterflies in your stomach whenever the person's around. We were really close too... and in many ways I believe that was something I could've avoided, but didn't want to. We would talk about everything and anything for hours. We'd confide in each other about every little and big thing, and it came to a point when I just wanted to tell him my secret, and I did. He took it very well, better than I had hoped. The fact that I had told him something so deeply personal wasn't lost on him. If anything, it made us closer. He didn't even avoid the issue either-- he used to talk to me about guys and what I was attracted to.

But it was not to last.

I confided in him that I'd had feelings for him in the early stages of our friendship. That he didn't take very well. It's been about 5 years... he hasn't spoken to me since. The funny thing is that I had gotten over him already, and the relationship we had was something I treasured over all others, simply because I had made it past the "selfish love" point, and just loved him as a brother. Or closer than a brother. But that didn't seem to matter. Thus far, I have never had another friendship as close as that one.

Incidentally, he's not a Christian.

The second guy I fell for knows all this, and knows my secret, and also knows I had something for him before. I used to do all sorts of stuff for him, and I sometimes think back and ask myself-- would I have done all that if I hadn't had something for him?

Yes. Yes, I would have.

I didn't mean for him to find out (someone I trusted apparently wasn't so trustworthy), but in the long run, I'm glad he did. He came to terms with it, and our friendship lasted and grew. And he told me once that the reason he got over his homophobia was because he has me as a friend. I really love this guy because he's closer than a brother to me, and I'm glad he's in my life. Thank you, BLYC, for all the support and talks we've had, and I hope to see you soon.

Now this third guy... well, it's an ongoing saga. I cannot deny that I'm already head-over-heels fallen for him. You know, it's weird-- As the years go by, I get wiser and more cynical about things. And I also learn more about love and relationships. I sometimes wonder why I don't avoid the situations with each guy when it seems they can be easily avoided. But you know what? I think it's because I don't believe the attraction by itself is wrong. I already believe in the practice of homosexuality as a sin, something I've no doubt the church would be all too eager to agree on, but I'm not going to say that attraction is lumped in the same category. We cannot control our attractions; we can only control our actions. (Thanx, JJ! It has such a great ring to it. )

And I've discovered that even if I go through days of depression and heartache, loathing and pain... for me it's worth it. For all of those guys. Just to be able to talk with them. Just to be able to see them smile. Just to be able to laugh with them. To simply have had the chance to love them, no holds barred, no strings attached.

And believe it or not, even though I can get angry at God for the pain, I thank Him for it. I thank Him because being this way has taught me so much. I thank Him for the love I have inside for these guys, because even though many would call it wrong, I know that I love them for love's sake. And even if it begins selfishly, it always always grows into unconditional brotherly love, something which I attribute to God's hand. Going through the burning emotions that feel like they're killing me has brought me much needed strength and experience. Because I know throughout my life, I'm going to go through this again and again, and the more I do, the better equipped I'll be. And I praise God because dark valleys inevitably lead upward to mountain-tops, and it's there where I can bask in the glory of God and worship Him for bringing me through. It's there where I can enjoy his presence and love and grace, all to prepare me for the next dark valley.

So, would I have given all this up and avoided these guys if I had known I was going to go through long hard days?

No. Never.

Ever have a reason for the day being lousy, but then u couldn't tell anyone why?

Today is one of those days. Desiring someone isn't always such a bad thing... Straight people think about people all the time. They confide in their friends about people they have feelings for. They think about these people without any real guilt.

And here I am, thinking about a guy. Wishing things weren't so hard. Wishing I could tell someone how I feel. Simply wishing that it was alright to feel this way, or that I didn't feel this way at all. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone how I feel or why I feel this way. Because talking about it would be wrong. Telling someone I like another guy would be wrong, wouldn't it? Even if it isn't really, who would I tell? Who could I tell that wouldn't think me disgusting or embracing my sin?

Everyone goes by with their notions of what's right and wrong in the church, and how everyone should live their lives. And naturally, they would all probably have preconceived notions of how a gay Christian should live or do. I often imagine myself coming out, and after being accepted by my church (a really big IF), discovering the agreement whenever I tell them I believe homosexuality is wrong. Seeing the nods of approval whenever I deny my thoughts, whenever I say no to that part of me. Feeling the burden of desire in me, and feeling so wrong whenever I'm with these Christians. Sometimes I just want to run away from church, you know? The burden I feel... the underlying disapproval of the Christians at church... The animosity that lurks there, waiting to crash into me should the word ever get out.

And all I want to do is tell someone about the affection I have inside me for another person. I want to say how I feel inside everytime he is around, and the hopes and dreams and worries I have about him. I want to say why I like him, and why I smile everytime he's around. I want to say how he brightens up my day just by talking to me or simply just smiling at me. And I want to tell people why some days seem so long and why I seem so depressed... because I can't have him. Because he's a guy. Deep down inside, I feel myself dying little by little every time I realize I can't have the person I want. And I can't tell anyone.

I have a friend who flirts. And it disgusts me. The shameless charming of women... It's not something he should do, right? But then I wonder... Do I feel this way because I myself can't do it? Would I flirt with guys if it was an option for me?

Straight people have it so easy, they don't even realize. I see the guys around me, talking about girls and getting all down about them. All of them, flirting and thinking about women. What I would give to have that desire for women. What I would give to feel down about a girl and not a guy.

What I would give to be "normal".