I had a dream this morning.

A wet dream to be exact, right before I woke up. And it's been haunting me all day.

It has brought out old pangs of desire for a guy (amongst others) that I know I could never have, if for no other reason than the fact that I would never try anything. I know that wet dreams aren't a sin because they cannot be controlled... or can they?

What's strange is that in these dreams, I often have the feeling of choice. In that place between sleep and waking, there's a part of me that is conscious of the real world, a part that knows I'm dreaming. And it is in that consciousness that I am seemingly able to control what I do in these dreams.

Although they're just dreams, are they still sins?

Either way, the desire is real. The people are also often real. And even if my ostensible ability of choice in these dreams isn't considered a sin, it still affects my thought-life. I yearn for people that I shouldn't. It causes emotions in me of love and desire that I have no suitable outlet for.

What's a guy to do?

This, of course, leads to the topic of masturbation, which in itself brings a lot of controversy. Masturbation is closely tied with lust, and lusting after someone is a sin; Jesus was crystal on that point (Matthew 5:27-28). And masturbation is definitely a sexual act of sorts. But say you remove the fantasy factor and all you've got left is the physical act of self-stimulation. Is it then a sin in itself? If it is, where in the Bible does it say so? The Bible does not mention it outright. If it was a sin, then it's a sin that has the highest fail rate for Christians. If this was the case, wouldn't God have been more clear about a sin of this magnitude?

Would it still be a sin if one was able to self-stimulate without fantasy, impossible as it may seem? Or if fantasy and masturbation were indeed inextricably linked, would fantasizing about a fictitious character that does not exist still be sinful?

If we remove lust from the picture, could it be perhaps that masturbation is not inherently a sin, and that it is actually one of those ways that God provides for us to escape from the temptation to engage in sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 10:13)? On the other hand, if that was the case, would God really provide a means of escape which is so seemingly conducive to another great pitfall, i.e. lust?

Questions, questions. And the dream's still in mind.

Who am I?

I remember my first year in primary school. Primary One was such an adventure, and so full of possibility. I remember walking into the classroom so apprehensive, and yet so full of anticipation of what lay before me. All the things to learn, and all the friends to be made.

I was placed in a seat beside a Eurasian kid. He was pretty friendly, and I remember thinking to myself, "He's cute."

Thus began my journey into deviance, although I didn't know it then. The path I would walk and the experiences that would follow would forever scar and shape me.

I was born into a Christian family. I remember the Sunday mornings when my dad would drag me out of bed and coax me into going to church. I loved church and Sunday School. I learnt so much about God and what He was all about. After Sunday School, I graduated to my church's youth group, and it was an exhilirating experience. Over the years, I became more self-aware and the realization that I had a hand in my own future hit me.

It was then that I left. By then I had already been in denial about my sexuality for quite a while. I knew the attractions and the desires. But I ignored them in hopes that they would go away.

Futile hopes. Hopes that did nothing to quell the overwhelming truth that finally came crashing through the dam of pretense.

The truth that I'm gay.

The years I spent away from God were spent finding myself. I tried many things with many people, and it always ended up leaving me empty and wanting more. Exploring my sexuality was always a forbidden pastime, done behind closed doors with curious others who I hoped would never breathe a word beyond them.

I may have left God, but perhaps God never left me. I always had my Christian upbringing in the back of my mind, and the things I had learnt as a child. There was always a small feeling, telling me I had to come back.

And years later, I did.

I rejoined my youth group as a leader, and the main leader of my youth group knows my secret and encourages me constantly. In the time since, I've learnt so much about God, Jesus and what it means to be Christian. But the thing that has weighed on me the most - beyond all the fears of being found out, above all the guilt that I have had on me for my sins, throughout all the years - has been the fact that I'm lonely.

I have no one else to talk to. No one else who understands. No one who can sit with me and counsel me and tell me everything's going to be OK and that they know my pain.

No one. And yet, it is this burden that has strengthened me time and time again. It is this isolation that has taught me to rely on Jesus for strength. It is this burden that God has called me to endure that has been my teacher all these years.

As I learn more and more each day about what it means to be Christian and gay, I discover bit by bit what God's plan is for my life. 'Cause I figure that worrying about my sexuality won't help me; it's out of my hands. Killing myself inside everyday with guilt and self-admonition will do nothing except stunt my spiritual growth. It'll only take away my focus from holding on to my faith in my Saviour, denying myself, carrying the cross He's called me to, and doing His will.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it? Doing His will. Get that right, and I got nothing to worry about, gay or not. I'm a new creation in Jesus, and some introductions are in order.

"Hi, I'm a Christian. Oh, and I'm gay... but that's only temporary."