It's New Year's Eve.

It's New Year's Eve.

And I'm sitting at home, watching Evanescence on MTV, with the scent of chicken sh!t wafting through the air. For some reason the damn chickens are crapping up a storm lately. That, coupled with the rainy weather and the sun causes sh!t-laced steam to drift through the compound. Nothing like the smell of fowl fecal matter in the morning eh?

Tonight I'm off to my aunt's for a New Year's Eve dinner. And after that everyone plans to go to church. My initial thought is: how boring.

I mean, do I really want to spend my New Year's sitting in a church full of people, most of whom I wouldn't really choose to spend New Year's with anyway, listening to a sermon? I've always spent Eves at parties with friends and family. That's how I've always loved ushering in the New Year. I suppose this could be a change of sorts, but it just seems so... I dunno... anti-climactic.

Some people have said to me that it's the excitement of the new year that matters, but I don't subscribe to that. For me, the excitement of ushering in the new year depends on the company I keep at that particular moment. I want to spend it with people that matter to me. I want to be surrounded with the people I care for. I want to be around that special someone.

Without all that, the new year means nothing.

Then again, perhaps I should spend it with God this year? Would going to church really mean that? Couldn't hurt, I suppose.

What a life of contradictions.

What a life of contradictions.

My life seems to have been defined by the objects of my love. As much as I sometimes try to deny it, my recent mission trip really hit home the fact that my mood and emotions revolve around the person I've fallen for. It was difficult to concentrate on the tasks at hand because my mind kept drifting to thoughts of him. And when we met again after being apart, my heart leapt for joy but at the same time grew heavier than it had ever been. How can someone, by their very presence, bring so much joy and yet so much pain at the same time?

I adore him more than I can express, and yet I hate him for the pain he brings me. I want to be around him all the time, but I want to avoid him. I want to hear him laugh, to see him happy, to know that he's OK; I want to know his faith in God is strong and intact and I want to see him succeed in all the things he does... and yet I don't want to care because it hurts too much.

My heart aches because I can't do anything with these feelings. If only God would take them away. If only He would save me from myself and not allow me to feel what I feel whenever this guy smiles at me... The fire it sets off in me, only for that fire to have dirt kicked upon it later.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right? Have you ever been in love so bad that you'd do anything to make them understand? Have you ever had someone steal your heart away that you'd give anything to make them feel the same?

You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes... Have you ever found someone you've given your heart to, only to know that person won't give their heart to you? Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there, and all you can do is wait for the day when they will care about you too?

I realize that my blog is different from the other gay blogs out there in the sense that I don't really talk too much about the intellectual side of things. I don't bring up too many arguments, I don't quote any authors from either side of the divide, nor do I take the time to dissect debates about said divide. My blog is very much an emotional one. I talk about the people I love and the things I go through because of that love. That alone might make it seem pathetic... But for me, what sets it apart is that it's not a guy talking about a girl, nor is it just a guy talking about a guy. It's about a Christian who is trying to make sense of what he's feeling inside. It's about a guy who wants to love God with everything he has, and yet has his feelings bound by the trappings of a sexual orientation that is seen as sin. It's about the gamut of emotions I go through because of my struggle with my sexuality in light of my faith and what it means to be under the mantle of "Christian" and under the grace of God and the blood of Christ.

Mostly it's about how these feelings will not go away. But the thing is, I've been through this heartache before. And this is the most painful part... But it tends to be a good sign as it shows I'm slowly moving along. Eventually, I'll be over him and he'll be just a brother to me. It happened before, and it'll happen again. And again. And again. Ad nauseum. Till the death, or till healing. Whichever comes first, in whatever form it comes.

But it never gets easier.

Sometimes I wonder if I can make it. Maybe it'd be easier to run away, or just end it?

I think about the church a lot.

OK, maybe not a lot, but when I do it's mostly about how I fit in the congregation. Been reading this, and I found myself nodding along. We all have our vices and problems, but it seems that mine would be singled out as worse than everyone else's. But it's not worse than everyone else's. And I realized that even I find that this sin is ostensibly worse than the rest. It's the ingrained unspoken stigma of the "G" word. You just feel it's wrong to be gay. Whether or not it actually is-- well, that's a moot point.

Sometimes I wish I could just give into my desires. Then again, in this country that would make things a lot more difficult than keeping it a secret. But what's the alternative? Life-long celibacy? God himself said in Genesis that it's not good for man to be alone. I suppose God might grant the spiritual gift of celibacy to some, but I doubt I have it. I want to be in a meaningful relationship. I want to have kids. I want someone to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse.

I just want to love, and not be condemned for it.

I find myself specifically questioning the church's failure (or rather, avoidance) in the issue of homosexuality. Though sometimes I find myself wondering whether the seeming lack of homosexuality in my church is because no one would ever come out and admit it.

Somehow I'm sure I'm not the only person in my church that struggles with this problem. I can't be..... can I?