I figured out that I've been using my homosexuality as an excuse to feel depressed. It has been my explanation for countless things that happen to me. I've ostensibly held, even on this blog, that it shouldn't matter and it's just another sin I have to submit to God. But I guess deep inside I never really believed it.Funny how the older a vice gets, the more you seem to hold on to it, and almost nurture and embrace it like it were an old friend. It becomes an escape when you don't feel like going to church or participating in activities. You just sit there in your self-loathing and pity and tell yourself, "Argh, I'm worthless and disgusting!" and somewhere inside, you're thinking, "Woo hoo! I'm worthless and disgusting!" whilst the demon on your shoulder gloats at what he's accomplished. The Bible talks about light and darkness in 1 John, and somehow it's like, I'm so used to the darkness that the light scares me. And somehow I want to live in the light, but don't want to fully step into it for fear of missing something in the darkness.
It's really hard, isn't it? The alternative is to let go of it all, to open my hands and give it all to Him, for only He can heal. Because once I release it to Him, I will be free and can live life in all its abundance as Jesus intended. I will be unhindered and can strive to do His will because I desire deep in my heart to love Him and adore Him as much as I'm supposed to. I won't have to worry about my homosexuality or my other sins, because I will know that in persevering to do God's will and holding strong to the promises of Christ, I will be on the right track.
Oh Lord, please help me to let go of these excuses that I use to turn away from You. Help me to let go of the darkness and step fully into Your light and into all the endless possibilities that You have for my life. Guide me on Your path and help me to do Your will.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
