Odd Psalms

A million reasons

2011-12-07T17:19:00.001+08:00

60 Minutes: Gay or Straight?

2011-05-16T17:01:00.000+08:00

Awesome video. Lots of stuff to think about.

So Far

2010-10-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

"And though I may be all wrong for the guy..."

2010-06-12T00:54:00.001+08:00

Glee. I've really enjoyed this first season. A lot of people have bemoaned how the show has lost some of its spark, but I don't really see it. I love musicals and Broadway, and I still love the show very much.

The addition of Idina Menzel to the show was a nice touch, though I admit I didn't think much of her at first. The first time I saw her was in Enchanted, and I didn't think she was all that pretty. Until I heard her sing in Glee. Gosh, now I love this woman.

Right now I have her Glee rendition of Funny Girl playing on repeat. And it got me thinking-- why do I love this song so much? Well, mostly because it sets off a whole range of emotions in me, most of which can be summed up in one word.

Wistfulness.

It makes me feel wistful. Like there's this impossible melancholy and sad longing within me that I cannot really express, all complex and tangled up in anger and love and yearning and sorrow and desire and teary-eyed smiles.

I told one of my best friends today about how our musical tastes are all a result of our different experiences and upbringings, and how different songs and music affect us differently. Well, I think wistful songs really get to me because my life is one big wistful song.

'Funny'. Did you hear that? 'Funny.'

Yeah, the guy said, "Honey, you're a funny girl."

That's me, I just keep them in stitches, doubled in half

And though I may be all wrong for the guy, I'm good for a laugh

I guess it's not funny, life is far from sunny

When the laugh is over, and the joke's on you

A girl ought to have a sense of humor

That's one thing you really need for sure when you're a funny girl

The fellow said 'a funny girl'

Funny how it ain't so funny

Funny girl

Good reads

2010-04-01T13:58:00.000+08:00

I've been reading a few good articles that made me nod my head in agreement.

What it's like to be you - Thoughts on the whole "homosexuality is just like any another sin" approach.
What Would Jesus Do If Invited To A Gay Wedding? - A look at why it'd be important to attend a gay friend's wedding.

Returning

2010-03-28T19:51:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I posted. I think I've grown to a point where this blog as an outlet has served its purpose. Most of my thoughts and feelings about how I feel are now on the blog, and as such there's not much left to write. I'm not open about being gay and I don't really think too much about it on a daily basis. I guess it's because of that that I don't really have much to blog about anymore.

Lately I haven't really put much of my thoughts down because I'd subconsciously decided that I didn't really want to think about my situation. But has that been helpful? I couldn't tell you. I guess in some ways it has allowed me to go through the days without over-analyzing how I feel or the consequences it has. I usually take each day as it comes and hold back the feelings I know I shouldn't be having while trying to express them in a better way.

I've been over him for a while now, but I've found myself attracted to different people lately. Not a strong 'painful-love' attraction by any means (yet), but a worrying trend nonetheless. I've even found myself being attracted to friends younger than me, which is also something I wish wasn't happening.

It scares me because I care about my friends a lot, but I have to wonder-- where does the platonic end and the sexual begin?

Reminiscing future

2009-08-06T16:53:00.003+08:00

Conversations with old friends.

Wistful, carefree, but troubling, if only because we see change,

Mayhap good, often not so.

The fallibility of all, so evident in its persistent pervasiveness of people,

That it leaves no stone unturned, no rock unmoved, no character unblemished, no spirit unbroken.

No faith untorn.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen, that those we hold in such regard would find themselves in the fall,

To know the depths at which they sink, could and would and have.

Look in the mirror of their faces, and see the apparition of ourselves staring back,

Love in its smile, death in its eyes.

The pedestal is high, which, in seeing the idol violently descend,

We realize isn't fit for anyone to grace save for Grace Himself.

For He is able to remain steadfast in the malevolent storms we as our own gods create in ignorance to destroy ourselves.

The veil was rent only to be restored by hands that would claw at it,

Bloody, rampant, desperate, blinded.

The choice remains ours, as it ever was, and for now, still is.

Are we to meet death on our own terms, or His?

That we, that you, that I would choose to die by, for, with, and in GRACE and not apart from it.

That perchance, when we gods die, He will bring dLeIaFtEh.

New post coming soon.

2009-07-17T02:39:00.001+08:00

Hopefully.

Time to revive this blog some.

Smile

2009-04-01T00:09:00.000+08:00

Was at the supermarket just now with my mom and brother. I walked past a bakery, and noticed some promotional sign and pointed it out to my mom.

That was when I noticed a cute guy staring at me. We made eye contact and I noticed he had a coy smile on his face.

I didn't really think too much of it at first, and looked away. Two seconds later I looked back, and he was still staring, still with the smile. I held his gaze for a few seconds, then looked away again. It was almost as if he knew me. Or wanted something from me. Or both.

That really got my mind churning. It's not everyday I get to meet eyes with a good-looking guy. It's even less common that that guy will stare at me with the same look Bakery Guy had. Even if it was really nothing at all, it still made my heart flutter.

It made me wish I really could live out that adventure of a romantic rendezvous with someone. To meet someone in the most unlikely of places and have something spark from there. I start thinking back to a few hours ago and wondered what would have happened if I'd held eye contact with Bakery Guy longer. If only I had smiled back.

I should've smiled back.

Odds and ends

2009-03-02T22:16:00.000+08:00

As a gay Christian guy, falling in love is an odd pitfall.

On one hand, the whole emotional, mental and physical effect it has on you is the same as with anyone else-- your heart flutters when you see that special someone, your mind is filled with thoughts of him, and every time you see him it puts a smile on your face.

On the other hand, it's a draining process when you're constantly faced with the juxtaposition of your God-grounded faith with your God-given desire to love and be loved in return. This juxtaposition has totally different levels of meaning when seen in the light of the "gay issue".

So here I am, kinda over him. Hardly even see him nowadays, and when I do, there's not much yearning. So I guess the cycle of "longing and moving past" is over. I wonder when the next one will hit. I do dread it because it'll mean more depression, more paranoia, more guilt.

But on some level, I miss it. I miss the butterflies in my stomach and the mind-addling euphoria that comes with the simplest of gestures or the tiniest moments of eye contact.

I dread it, but miss it. There's a juxtaposition for you.

Skirting the abyss

2008-11-30T22:03:00.004+08:00

I had a close call the other day.

To cut a long story short (and omit any potentially incriminating details), a friend was staying over at my place, and it was late. About midnight. He was tired and had gone to bed. Which was, incidentally, not two feet away from where I was sitting, surfing the 'net. He stirred a bit, and I glanced at him.

"Look at him," said the Dark Passenger. "Doesn't he look hot?"

I was silent, not wanting to reply. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"Sure, try and ignore me. You and I both know what you really want. Plus you're still staring."

I turned back to my laptop hurriedly. Surf, damn you! Focus on the screen!

"Take a gander, boy. Feast your eyes. Just a tiny look," the Dark Passenger crooned.

I could almost see the devious smile on his face. I turned back, and looked again. Watched the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. Watched the curve of his body as he breathed. My eyes moved lower. Staring at the most forbidden of places, the whole time my mind screamed at me to turn away, to say no, to do anything but doom myself, to not give in to the Passenger's silky smooth whispers winding their way into my mind and enticing my libido.

"Reach. Reach and touch. Caress. Give in," he whispered, almost hissing.

I reached. The air in which my hand moved felt like an infinite space, and every pounding heartbeat throbbed in my temples and made my head spin. I reached. Felt fabric. Heat.

And jerked my hand back. I shut my eyes.

Jesus, help me. Help me to say no. Help me to fight it. Don't let him take over. If possible, let him pass me by. God! Please help me. I don't want to do this.

And God did. And I didn't.

Confidence

2008-10-11T01:25:00.001+08:00

I just told another friend about being gay. It's always a good experience when your friend accepts you.

We've been discussing my past posts, and the journey I've had. And I realize that looking back on this old blog, I've written quite a whole lot... and maybe it's not ready to be left behind quite yet. The other blog was quiet, and almost lonely. It wasn't always the best place to vent my thoughts, seeing as how it felt almost like it had become a place saved for negative and unhealthy thoughts.

Odd Psalms, on the other hand, has always been a catharsis of sorts, a place where I could hear thoughts from different people; it has always been a blog which, with the knowledge that there were certain eyes on it, was always a place of honesty despite the constant constraints I place on myself (which turned out for good, though not always obvious at the time).

So I think I should give this old place another try.

Moving

2008-07-08T12:22:00.000+08:00

To all readers of this blog--

I am moving to a new blog. I make this decision because Odd Psalms has lost its purpose for me as a place to express myself and my thoughts. There are too many people that are close to me that read this blog, and as such, my anonymity has been compromised. Suffice to say that there are some thoughts in my head that I would rather only strangers read.

So if you are still interested in reading, please feel free to e-mail me at oddpsalms (at) gmail.com and I'll give you the new url.

The Dark Passenger

2008-02-01T00:16:00.001+08:00

I just know there's something dark in me and I hide it.

I certainly don't talk about it, but it's there always, this Dark Passenger. And when he's driving, I feel alive, half sick with the thrill of complete wrongness. I don't fight him, I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, not even me. Especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me?

-Dexter Morgan, Dexter

A Park Bench

2007-11-16T21:34:00.000+08:00

I sat on a park bench one day. And I asked God for a sign.
I thought maybe God would hear me, mold me, bring healing sublime.
'Please change me,' I said, commanding the void.
That these hardships I could get over, get past, and perhaps stop being annoyed.

'Why?' I heard a voice beside me ask.
Like a voice from my future, yet with a foot in my past.
It was an old man, silver-haired, genteel.
It was odd, surreal, and I cannot begin to describe the way his stare made me feel.
About him was the scent of old spice.
But overall, he seemed cordial, polite, approachable. Overall, very nice.

'Eh?' I said, eyebrows raised.
'Well, because I want to be better than I am, better in so many ways."
He looked at me now.
'Better how?'

I was unsure as to how much I wanted to share.
I decided there was no harm in being frank, no harm in being bare.
He just looked on, a knowing twinkle in his eye.
Total strangers, total confidence, no point in building the lie.

'I'm gay,' I said curtly. 'And I want to be straight.'
'I see,' he nodded, with no semblance of hate.

But surely his eyes hid the fire of hatred, surely his smile masked the fog of distrust?
Surely he felt nothing but contempt and disgust?
His smile did not waver, his blue eyes stayed cordial.
But surely his tongue stored the diatribe primordial?

'So tell me' he said, 'Why ask for this?'
His expression showed wonderment at something amiss.
And here I expected a self-righteous speech.
But there was no propaganda, no lectures, no holier-than-thou lesson to teach.

I moved past surprise, though he stayed at pensive.
I looked at him squarely, my reply apprehensive.
'Who would want to be different? Who would want to be hated?'
I wanted for an answer, whilst he simply waited.

'All I want is simply to be changed,
That if God wanted to, it could all be arranged.'
The old man then got this look in his eye.
He stared into the distance, a faraway look. And then gave an almost inaudible sigh.

'My boy, are you sure you want what you think you do?
That to be better off, you'd have to begin anew?
Are you sure this would be the best course of action?
Has your life through these trials not improved by even a fraction?
Take some time and just think on your life.
Has it really been just all darkness and strife?
Has not God used all the hurt and pain, the hardships, the trials, the storm and the rain?
Has He not used your experiences to bring you great friends, and people who look past the fact that you're gay?
Has he not brought you to where you are today?

You say 'Oh, to be straight, if only this God would allow!'
If He did, would you have all the joys you have now?
Would you be the same person you have grown up to be?
Would you recognize yourself? Would your friends? Would anybody?'

The old man looked at me, smiled and stood.
'God knew you before you knew yourself, and whatever He has brought you through has been done for your good.
Remember this truth, and put God first each and every day.'
And with that, the old man walked away.

I thought about what the old gentleman had said.
I thought about my life behind and my life ahead.
And I thanked the Lord for all he had done,
For blessing upon blessing, a million and one.
I thanked Him for helping me grow up so well,
For picking me up whenever I fell.

You see, I had wanted to talk with God so bad.
And then I realized something.

I just had.

Harry wasn't the gay one...

2007-10-21T14:00:00.000+08:00

First, let's set the scene. If you're a Harry Potter fan, you may have heard the latest bombshell that Miss Rowling dropped on her audience: Dumbledore is gay.

Yes, wow.

But I'm annoyed. I am annoyed that she felt like his sexuality mattered enough for her to announce it, and at the same time, push her own agenda. It's just an exploitation of her characters to get some brownie points with the gay crowd. The thing is, I don't give a rat's @$$ who he was attracted to, so why bother announcing it? Why should it matter that he's gay? How on earth does it add to the plot or story or anything? It's not like being straight matters at all. I don't find myself suddenly remembering, "Hmm, yes he's straight." This is not a friggin' novel about sexual issues or complex emotions and human relationships. It's a children's book! She's J. K. Rowling not freakin' Jodi Picoult! It's just another way to keep people talking about her and her books.

So yes, I'm annoyed, but not in the way most people are. A lot of people would hold the sentiment like, "WHAT? Dumbledore is gay?? Aww, spoils my day... Now I'll never see him the same way again and he's totally like, "wrong" now, etc..."

What really annoys me the most about Rowling's revelation about ol' Dumbledore is that, unbeknownst to her and the rest of the people applauding her "great move to promote tolerance", she has unwittingly given straight people another way to show their ignorance and point fingers and misunderstand anyone with same sex attractions.

Case in point-- I recently read a blog post that went like this:

But can someone please tell me why she had to announce this? It adds nothing more to the story line, and now all of us have to reexamine all the scenes which feature Dumbledore in order to contemplate his actions. So much for "everyone loves Dumbledore". Looks like only one sex can really love Dumbledore. Geez, what a spoiler.

So here we have a perfect example of what people really think. Tell any Harry Potter fan that Dumbledore was gay and watch the shocked disbelief in their face. It's like you just told them he was actually Voldemort in disguise.

Or perhaps, like he had done it with Voldemort.

It's like the fact that he's gay automatically negates his ability to have good intentions and be a good person. Like, he's gay so he must have ulterior motives. Oh, he's gay so it means he's humped every single male character that he has come across.

Why? Why are people so ignorant?

Full of...

2007-10-12T23:13:00.000+08:00

Click to enlarge

Thorns

2007-09-17T09:09:00.000+08:00

I was replying a friend's e-mail and he reminded me about Paul's thorn analogy in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Here was Paul, someone who was doing the work of Christ and filled with His Spirit, and here he was pleading with God to take away what was hurting him, hindering him, a pain in his side (whether physical or figurative, we can't know for sure). And what did God say? "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."

I identify very well with Paul's thorn analogy, because for a time, it helped me come to terms with the possibility that maybe God allowed me to turn out the way I am by allowing this thorn in my life because it's better this way for His purpose. Perhaps, despite all the pain and heartache, it has kept me grounded? Perhaps, in spite of all the tears, it has given me more reason to smile by saving me from worse things? I guess in spite of, or even because of, the trials I have experienced, God has made me a better person. It's interesting to imagine-- what kind of person would I have been had I not had this thorn in my side?

In many ways, because this thorn weakens me, I know I need God more. Because this thorn brings me to my knees time and time again, it makes it easier to pray. Because this pain brings tears to my eyes, it clears them so I can better see God for the Healer that He is.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him."
- Romans 8:28

Healer

2007-09-15T00:03:00.000+08:00

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

My Healer, You're my Healer

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Relapse

2007-09-11T18:31:00.000+08:00

For the past couple days, I've been in a funk. I'm surly, irritable and my heart feels heavy. And I tell people who ask that it's "just one of those days, you know?"

But maybe that's just the easy answer. Deep down, I know that I keep in an iron-clad box the side of my heart that yearns for love beyond the platonic. But every so often, when I let my guard down, I come across someone that inadvertently manages to loosen the deadbolts I have so meticulously set, and out it springs, pouring forth the feelings that are like sweet poison in my veins.

I could describe exactly how this makes me feel in big flowery words, but in the end, we all know exactly how it feels when you simply want someone to love and to hold, but know that it can't happen.

It sucks.

Thanatos

2007-09-03T21:19:00.000+08:00

I think about death from time to time. That is, my death. Not the actual act of dying per se, but more of the ways I would die.

I would imagine scenarios such as my being involved in a fatal car accident. Abrupt. Final. No goodbyes. What would it be like for the people I left behind? What if I could be present as a spirit at my funeral? Who would I see there? Who would cry, and who wouldn't? Whose lives would be affected more than others by my sudden departure?

But mostly I would imagine myself being stricken with a disease. It would usually be some form of cancer; it seems to be the stereotypical "major disease with no cure". In the scenario, I walk into the doctor's office, and he gives me the bad news. For some reason I take it in stride and, after insisting on a straight answer, ask the doctor matter-of-factly whether I'm going to die. Once he confirms it, I simply ask how long I have.

Then begins the process of my long goodbye. Should I tell everybody about my condition? Or should I keep it myself to ensure that I don't get any pity, since it's the last thing I want or need? I wonder about the last things I will do before my time runs out. Perhaps stop by England to visit some of my close friends there. Then come back home and spend the remaining time with my friends and family.

As my time runs out, I spend more time with my godson, talking with him and sharing my joys and tears, my hopes and fears for him, and teaching him all that I can and have left to teach. I tell him that I will sorely miss seeing him grow up and settle down with a woman that God brings into his life, miss seeing him have children of his own who he will adore as much as I do him. I tell him that I love him more than he will ever understand, and I give him the silver ring on my finger which has "Dad" engraved on it. I remind him of the other ring I gave him years before, the one with "PS 27-4" engraved on it, and tell him to keep that verse close to his heart, and to keep Jesus even closer. Then, I will reassure him that this not goodbye forever. It's only goodbye for now.

And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, I finally get the courage to come out to the people I love? The finality of death seems to supply one with courage, and perhaps this is the time I open up? Since I am to leave this world, what more have I to fear?

Thus far, I have not been in any fatal car accidents or been diagnosed with cancer. But on Saturday, at ten minutes before midnight, I found a small, hard, peanut-sized lump near my collarbone. So, I've been thinking about death.

And I don't seem to be afraid to die.

Returning

2007-08-30T16:49:00.000+08:00

Hi to anyone still reading!

I know I've been away for months, and that's simply because I've been busy with my life. That is, my real life. I think it's no secret, but if it is, I hereby reveal that this blog and this persona are merely facades.

No, I'm still gay. And my experiences, thoughts and opinions are still very much real and based on what I go and have been through. What I mean is that nowhere on this site will you find my real name, or names of anyone I know or anything else that I feel would give away information about me. Why? Because like so many of the people who have similar blogs to mine, I'm still in the closet. And as such, this side of my life (i.e. the blog and the thoughts concerning my sexual orientation) often take a backseat, especially when things get hectic. Suffice to say I've been too busy living life to think about life. As such, the e-mail address attached to this blog tends to also be somewhat neglected, and I apologize. But I always check it, even if not everyday.

In any case, I recently checked on the blog and e-mail account again after a long absence and discovered e-mails waiting for me. I was about to sit down to a nice afternoon of Wii-ing, but changed my mind and thought it prudent to update everyone a bit.

A reader recently asked me for a quick run-down of my story, as in how my gay life and Christian life have mixed (or not). Well, if I haven't already shared this, here's the thing-- I don't have a gay life. I have gay attractions.

I said before that I believe homosexuality is a choice, insofar as the lifestyle is concerned. One chooses to live the lifestyle or turn from it. I have chosen to be celibate, though that in itself is always a struggle. But as far as the attraction goes... Well, ask any straight person if they could "choose" to be gay, and they'd stare at you like you had an extra head.

Or three.

As for how my Christian lifestyle and gay attractions have mixed, it's kind of an interesting question. As a Christian, I love God, and I want to love Him more and more with everything that I am. So Christ is who I live my life for, or at least, try my best to. But I'm also gay (i.e. and by "gay", I mean in attraction, not lifestyle), and it's hard to separate your sexuality from who you are. Ask any straight person; it's a part of them. So here I am, a young man with two seemingly antithetical sides to my life, both distinct but very much a part of me-- I'm a Christian with same sex attractions.

How has this affected my ministry and service to God? Well, taking worship as an example, I said this in an earlier post:

"[N]othing warms my heart more than to see God's people and youths in worship. To see them totally abandoned to His praise. To watch them as they close their eyes and enjoy His presence as they're filled with it.

But most of all, I love leading worship because it keeps me focused, and it reminds me of who I am in Jesus, and what He's done for me. It's in praise and worship that my perspective gets realigned so that everything is secondary to God, and it's in worship that He reminds me of who He has called me to be-- His servant, His loved one, and most of all, His friend."

Even though I struggle with my attractions to other guys, I try as much as possible not to let it hinder me from serving God. Should it matter that I'm gay? If I hate it when people judge me and hold me back from praising and serving Him because I'm gay, shouldn't I at least begin by making sure I don't hold myself back? Why should sexuality determine how I worship Him? Why should being gay stop me from serving Him with all that I am?

It shouldn't. No guilt, no evil thought, no temptation, no sin, should ever stop us from worshipping Him, from giving our all for Him.

Does that mean I don't sin? No. Does that mean that my attractions and temptations don't sometimes get the better of me? Of course not. Does that mean I don't have dry periods and times when I feel lost and alone? No. This blog is evidence of that. I still sin and I still fall. But what Christ has done is given me the resolve to stand up and keep running. He has broken the chains of sin in my life so I can stand and boldly declare His claim on my life, and say that even though I fail, I will not give up. Though I fall, I will not stay down. Though I sin, I will not stay in sin. The devil will never have me.

Because I belong to Christ.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has given me words of encouragement about my writing in any shape or form. I am very glad that my posts have helped people I have never seen, heard or met, and probably never will. Even so, know that I appreciate all you've said. I think for me, that's the reason I keep writing. What began as a venting outlet continues now as a means to connect with and minister to others as hurt as I am, in the hope that as I reach out, I will find others with hands outstretched, all of us trying as best we can to keep our heads above the tide that washes over us again and again, all of us refusing to drown because we know that as long as we hang on to our Saviour, we can be sure of one thing--

He will keep us afloat.

2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned,
The flames will not set you ablaze.
3"For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Saviour."
- Isaiah 43:2-3

No leaf clover, sad but true

2007-04-28T18:19:00.000+08:00

Sex is a powerful thing. I remember as a kid meeting my first best friend for a first time in first grade (that's a lot of firsts) and immediately feeling attracted. Sexually. Since then, sex played a big part in my thoughts and actions. It was a driving force, the strength of which was only matched by my love for video games.

But I digress.

I've been quite involved and at times sexually intimate with many people since that first day in first grade. I've done everything except actual intercourse, so I'm still (technically) a virgin. That kind of gives me pause though-- thus I use the term virgin loosely. In each situation, what drove me was sex. Lust. The desire to satisfy my urges. Urges that I didn't understand until long after I'd started down this path, leaving a trail of brokenness behind me and within me. And why should this be? I've prayed so often for God to heal these people I've affected and hurt in ways I cannot imagine. I prayed for Him to save these people from me. To save me from myself.

When you're in the moment, your libido kicks in. Your mind gets cloudy, and all you can see and feel is the animal instinct. Everything becomes raw and carnal and unrelenting almost undeniable. Giving in to sex is like standing at the entrance of a long dark tunnel. Once you enter you just keep running, and as you go deeper it gets darker, and all you want is to burst out the other side. To reach the endpoint.

And when you do come out the other side, you realize that all that's there is darkness. And guilt. And pain. And shame.

And you'd think with all you go through, it'd be easier (and prudent) to avoid the next tunnel. But when you come to it, it almost calls to you. You're curious, you're intrigued, you're weak. Then the sexual dark inside you takes hold and drags you toward the entrance. You resist, but try as you might, sometimes it's too strong.

And maybe, just maybe, a part of you isn't fighting as hard as you should. The part that wants it. The part that wants to embrace the darkness of the tunnel again. The part that locks the door at night so no one will see. The part that whispers in your ear and tells you it's fine and speaks sweet little excuses and justifications to you. And when you turn to look at the small dark voice, the demon on your shoulder, the devil's advocate, all you see...

...is yourself.

Hindsight

2007-04-12T21:36:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking back to my early days, prying apart the stifled memories and clouded thoughts I buried so long ago because I never wanted to remember. It was always easier to forget.

But I'm remembering things from my early childhood. I remember attractions that had been relegated to the dark recesses of my mind. I vividly remember being six years old, and meeting my future best friend for the first time, and immediately thinking, "Wow, he's cute." He would be the object of my attraction for the next 2 years. I'd wanted to be around him and harboured strong emotions, the depth of which shocked and confused me. As the years progressed, I experienced things a kid should never experience. So much so that I did not enjoy a lot of my childhood.

It all makes me wonder. At which point did I become gay? I reject the idea of being born gay, as that would mean God created me to be gay, and I wholeheartedly deny that idea. But to have been six years old and attracted to another boy in a manner beyond the platonic? Perhaps sexual curiosity at that age is natural sometimes?

I can't help but wonder what would my life would be like now if I hadn't gone down those paths...

Anyhoo, I've spruced up the blog a bit. Also gave the links list a much-needed pictorial makeover. Neat, yes? Oh, and here's a really cute video. I guarantee it.

The cycle

2007-04-11T18:17:00.000+08:00

It's beginning again.

That old familiar tugging. Everytime I see him. Inside, my heart is stirring once more. I know that, slowly but surely, I am falling for him. I know that as I see him more and more and hang around him more and more, I will soon start to love him. And love makes me do stupid things. Love makes one yearn. And yearning can really suck sometimes.

I'm tired. Tired of struggling with it. Tired of always trying to fight it. Tired of the temptation. Tired of the guilt of loving someone I'm not supposed to love. At least, not like that.

I'm tired of this cycle. Meeting someone, falling for him, loving him, having to push the love deep inside and stifle it, having it eventually plateau and calm as the years pass, and then meeting someone else and having the whole thing start again.

There is this itch inside that I cannot scratch. An insistent burning within that I cannot quench by myself. I want to LOVE. But there is nowhere for this love to go. How does one love when love is not allowed? How does one express a love that, without expression, eats away at you because you constantly hold it inside without letting it breathe?

God, if it be Your will, take this love from me. I don't wanna do it anymore. It hurts too much.

I want...

2007-02-06T06:10:00.000+08:00

I want companionship. I want someone to talk with who I can love and lust over. I want someone who engages me, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I want to fall over and over in love with this person and have God bless us because we put Him first.

I want to get married. I want a wife who I can pray with about our days, about our fears, our kids, the direction we have chosen for ourselves under God. I want to have kids of my own and settle down. I want kids named Micah and Naomi and Stephen (and whatever names my wife comes up with). I want to watch them get born and hold them in my arms for the first time as I watch them sleep. I want to see them take their first steps as I hold out my open arms to them. I want to hear their first words, and cry the first time they say "Dad". I want to comfort them and teach them and guide them, and worry about their every move.

I want to watch them grow up and move out and find companions of their own. I want to grow old with my wife, and somewhere down the line re-propose and renew our vows.

I want so much for my life. I want so many things I don't know if I'll ever get.

But God... what do You want?

You're everything

2007-02-03T01:22:00.000+08:00

You're everything I could want, that I could need. If I could just see You want me, I could believe. 'Cause You're perfectly all I want, all I need. If I could just feel Your touch, then I'd be free.

If I can just feel Your touch, then I can breathe.

Look how You shine so. The blind can see. And how You call, how You beckon me. The deaf hear the voice of love. You bid me come and the cripple run. You're the one to raise me up from this grave, to touch my tongue and then I'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully I'll run to You.

'Cause You're everything. And I'm alive and I'll sing. I'm alive and I'm free.

Lyrical credits - David Crowder Band

Definitely maybe

2007-01-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

Well, my night is shot. In a good way, I mean. What can I say? I'm calmly ecstatic.

For those of you that have been paying attention, here's why--

My ex-best friend called.

I'd meant to get in touch with him, but it'd slipped my mind in the current exam rush. Imagine my utter shock when I answered my phone and he asked, "Is this Ash?" and told me it was him. For a split-second, it didn't register. When it hit me, I was actually speechless for another split-second. Most people would tell you that's no small feat. Hell, I actually stood up from my chair and kinda moved around the room like I was supposed to do something.

I'd always held out hope that we would one day reconcile. I'd prayed countless prayers and dreamed countless scenarios in my head about how it would happen. But nothing could have prepared me for the second I realized who I was talking to. I literally blurted out (and I quote):

"Oh my God, you're actually calling."

Our conversation is kind of a blur now, but after we caught up, we mostly just talked at random about nothing in particular. It was a throwback to the way we used to be.

It felt... good.

And at one point, we eased into the subject of why we had a falling out all those years ago. He hadn't known how to react when he found out how I'd felt about him. It wasn't so awkward, it wasn't too hard, and it was a lot less painful than I would've imagined. If anything, the years that have gone by made it easier to go over the details of what happened. And now it feels like we've come full circle. He did say to me at one point that he didn't know if we would ever become as close again as we once were, and that saddened me a bit. But who knows? I put years into our friendship before, plus I've waited this long for reconciliation... What's to stop me putting another crapload of years into rebuilding where we left off?

It was only recently that I felt lost; I felt like I couldn't see God's plan for me. Well, God really knows how to drastically change things. This new development has renewed my faith in how He works. Patience and trust in Him pays off, because the burden has been lifted, the wound has finally healed and the scar has finally disappeared.

And all I can do is thank Him.

Maybe

2006-12-24T00:58:00.000+08:00

I once had a best friend. We don't talk anymore.

He was everything I'd ever wanted in a friend. He was fun, smart, and we clicked like no one else could. We shared things both trivial and deep and our conversations were always fun. We laughed together and we were sad together. I was there for him and he for me. We were always happy to see each other simply because we had something that extended beyond friendship. It was a pure love that allowed us to act like long lost brothers. But then something happened. I fell for him. But I got over it. We remained brothers.

But then I did something stupid-- I told him I'd had feelings for him.

He didn't take it very well. He was quite angry, and he cut off ties with me. I didn't take it very well. Actually, I was devastated. To this day I have never found another friend like him. Tonight by chance, I saw him again. I was so afraid to say hi, but eventually did. He actually acknowledged me. It was then that a huge burden on my shoulders was lightened.

I once had a best friend. We don't talk anymore. But maybe we will soon.

Brutal honesty

2006-12-12T07:35:00.000+08:00

I am attracted to guys. I don't deny it. I see a cute guy and there are times my mind runs away with itself. I fantasize. I imagine situations with nudity and hot and heavy breathing. I want to express my love in all its forms, lust included.

But beyond all that, I am in love with someone. I feel he knows. And if he does, he shows no fear of me whatsoever. He's a close friend and I adore him. But so very often I don't want anything else, except to just hold him. To just stand behind him, put my arms around him and nuzzle the nape of his neck, and then put my chin on his shoulder and tell him how I feel inside. To go to sleep with him and spoon, simply enjoying the warmth and intimacy. To watch him sleep, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath.

And yet, I am denied that joy. Why? Because I live in a world that does not accept me. I am an outcast from the church because the majority do not understand the homosexual hatred they harbour. And I do not belong with the homosexuals because I believe what I feel deep down inside-- that homosexuality is not part of God's plan. I serve a God that I sometimes feel has not been totally clear about what it means for me to be this way or feel the way I do. A God who, for reasons and purposes known only to Him, chose to let me turn out this way.

It's all good and well to discuss the issues concerning the church and the homosexual world at large, but I have bigger, more personal questions on my mind. I am a Christian. I love Jesus. I want to serve God with everything I have. But am I to live this way forever? Am I deny myself forever? I want a family. I want kids. I want a union that will be blessed by God. I've read things that challenge the traditional beliefs of homosexuality in the Bible, things that go so far as to say that homosexuality is OK to God. I'm afraid to give so much attention to these things because I do not want to stray from the will of God. And yet I find myself asking questions, because there are times when I'm not sure as to what God says about the issue. Is He trying to tell me that I can express these feelings inside me? Or are all these accounts simply human justification for the human desires felt inside?

I am not confused. My faith is not falling apart. If anything, I'm holding on to God more and more because I know His word is truth and truth will set me free. It's a challenge to live this path He has set me on.

But in the end, the question that plagues me still is this-- Will it be that all my "normal" friends and family move on with their lives with the natural progression of things, getting married, raising families, enjoying their heterosexuality in every form and expression that is offered to them by a God that has sanctified their union, and all the while, there I am, struggling to reconcile my sexuality and my faith, trying to make sense of things, yearning for absolution and freedom from the chains of bondage that I can't clearly see or fully comprehend?

Is God unfair?

2006-12-07T04:37:00.000+08:00

Even as I begin this post, I know that God has blessed me in so many ways, I cannot even begin to count them. But sometimes I cannot hope but feel left out. I know He is good, I know He is just, I know He is faithful... but why me?

Why did I have to be gay? I choose to be celibate. At least, I choose to try to be. But I've often felt that there has to be an easier way. A more fair way.

I don't advocate gay marriage or a homosexual lifestyle, because I do feel that homosexuality is a choice (which I mentioned a few posts ago) that goes against what God wants. So the alternative is celibacy.

I read a post by JJ, in which she talks about celibacy and the problem with it as a choice--

So, there you have it. My answer to the question that I’ve been asked more than a few times (and always, incidentally, by married people), “What’s wrong with the celibacy option?”

The answer? A lot. A hell of a lot. Beyond the obvious, being celibate, or even just single in this world (not just in the West, by the way, every where you go in the world, being in a couple is the norm for adults) puts you outside. Unless you are in a convent or a monastery (or some other variation of a celibate community), you’re going to feel it, feel your otherness, feel your outside status… maybe not every day, but you feel it a lot. And I know that the solution is apparently to rely on the ‘compassion’ of the church, those people who will take us single people in, but… well, how is someone’s pity supposed to help with making me feel more valued? Pity does not equal intimacy, it is not a replacement for the relationships that most people have at some point in their lives. And it is a lie to say that it is enough.
I know the response to that, by the way. Christ is enough. I know that. I just don’t know that having merely ‘enough’ to get by is what my life is supposed to be. Other people get Christ and the joys (and responsibilities) that come with marriage. It doesn’t mean their faith or relationship with Him is any less significant.
I know that this is a juvenile thing to say, but it really just isn’t fair.

And I can't help but feel the same way.

I'm gay and I love

2006-11-04T07:10:00.000+08:00

I know it's been too long since I actually posted. I've been busy with life really. And for some inexplicable reason, I have no time to be gay. Again I reiterate... My gay attractions are still there, and very much alive and with me wherever I go. But I don't pay them much attention (at least, I try not to), and I focus more on enjoying life and the company of the people I love. And through it all, I still cling to God.

I did read this brilliant quote though, by Stephen Fry in his autobiography Moab Is My Washpot:

"There are plenty of other things to be got up to in the homosexual world outside the orbit of the anal ring, but the concept that really gets the goat of the gay-hater, the idea that really spins their melon and sickens their stomach is that most terrible and terrifying of all human notions, love. That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand. Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave. Love as agape, Eros and philos; love as romance, friendship and adoration; love as infatuation, obsession and lust; love as torture, euphoria, ecstasy and oblivion (this is beginning to read like a Calvin Klein perfume catalogue); love as need, passion and desire."

Buddy's choice

2006-07-25T12:31:00.000+08:00

I asked myself this week-- is homosexuality a choice? After much reading and thought, I realized that it is a choice, but not in the way many people think.

I do not believe that the attraction to other guys is a choice; it is something one cannot control or help. But homosexuality is a choice in the sense that one can choose to act on those attractions. In that sense, yes, it is a choice. That is why I believe that although the Bible does condemn homosexuality (I'm Side B, by the way), the condemnation is in the action of the homosexual attraction, and not the attraction per se. What annoys me is when people so adamantly claim that homosexuality is a choice without realizing what they're spouting; it's as if they're saying we choose to be attracted to members of the same sex, which is rubbish.

Anyhoo, I've linked to this site before, but I really wanted to put it on my blog, so here it is unedited-- an article by Misty Irons about her friend Buddy.

My Friend Buddy and the Conservative Church

My friend Buddy died September of last year. Over the summer we had become fast friends through the Internet, enjoying theological discussions, comparing notes about our churches, and pretty much talking about everything under the sun. So when I realized one day that I hadn’t heard back from him, I knew something was wrong. As the days passed I grew anxious to the point where I began searching the web for how to contact his church, since I had no other personal info I could use to help me track him down. I discovered he went to an enormous church of 2,500 so it was a miracle that I managed to get hold of a staff leader who actually knew vaguely of Buddy, who told me he would look into it. Four days later I got a call back from him in the wee hours of the morning. He informed me he had just received a return call from Buddy’s landlord. Buddy had died two weeks previously. Heart attack, age 37.

The problem with being an e-friend is that you don’t get invited to the funeral, especially in this case. Buddy was gay, and ever since he was outed to his family two years ago (his mother got hysterical about AIDS, his father condemned him to hell, his brother attacked him and tried to choke him to death) most of them wanted nothing at all to do with him, let alone any of his friends. Buddy had told me about his upbringing in a small “redneck” town, where at the local Baptist church he was taught that all homosexuals were hell-bound perverts. At home Buddy’s father referred to homosexuals as “faggots” and black people as “niggers,” and so when in the third grade he experienced his first crush on another boy at school, he knew that this was something he had to conceal. By the time he was fourteen his feelings became so real he was mortified, and he would rush into the woods behind his house to pray, pleading desperately with God not to let him turn out homosexual and go to eternal damnation.

He spent most of his young adult years in denial about his homosexuality. When he grew older he attempted to reconcile his homosexual feelings with his Christian faith through ex-gay ministries. Yet even after five intense years in the ex-gay program, it was apparent that his attraction to other men wasn‘t changing or diminishing and that those feelings would probably always be a part of him, so he left the movement.

By the time I got to know Buddy in the summer of last year, he had a heart full of wisdom and all the scars that came along with it. Amazingly he never rejected his faith and was still attending church. In fact he felt strongly about attending a conservative, Bible-believing church that did not condone homosexuality, because he still believed his homosexuality was a sin. It was not that he enjoyed getting browbeaten from the pulpit, or that he had a low opinion of himself, or that he couldn’t accept that he was gay. He simply believed that this was what the Bible taught, so he sought to associate himself with Christians who believed as he did. He also sought to honor the teaching of the Bible in his life by committing himself to celibacy.

Off-message

Taking the route of celibacy is not a popular stance. For one thing, it is not in line with the belief of the gay community that homosexual relationships are morally equivalent to heterosexual ones. But for another a self-conscious Christian commitment to celibacy goes against the claim of the conservative church that homosexuality is just a perverse lifestyle choice, because it not only implies that efforts to change one’s orientation have not worked, but says that a person can be both homosexual and committed to the highest Christian standard of sexual chastity at the same time.

Buddy was not an idealist. He committed to celibacy knowing full well that the rest of his life would be a constant and sometimes unsuccessful struggle against temptation, yet he was able to face that reality squarely without losing hope or abandoning his faith. For he had come to believe that his salvation rested not upon his ability to fulfill his commitment perfectly or conquer every temptation that came his way, but upon the grace of God alone and upon that fundamental teaching of the Christian religion, that “a man is justified by faith, apart from the works of the law” (Romans 3:28).

Buddy came to realize that the gospel message of Christianity held the answer to the dilemma he faced as a homosexual person before God. For if God only accepted homosexuals on the condition that they became heterosexual or that they stopped having homosexual desires, then he was lost. But the Christian gospel teaches that the requirement for coming to Christ was not that he gain victory over every last sinful inclination in his heart, but rather that he acknowledge his utter inability to do so. The fact that he couldn’t become straight simply demonstrated how futile it was to try to be saved by works, which is exactly why the Bible teaches that he needed to be saved by faith in Jesus Christ instead, for “the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is reckoned as righteousness” (Romans 4:5).

Buddy writes,

REAL CHRISTIANITY says you are a sinner. You can not save yourself. Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Jesus took all your sin and paid for it at Calvary. Receive that gift by faith (plus and minus nothing) and become God’s forever child. REAL CHRISTIANITY says salvation is a gift. You can not earn it, you can not pay it back after it is given to you . . . Some people call that “cheap grace.” That is not cheap grace. It was paid for by a Redeemer that died on a cross. He paid the price. That was not cheap. But it is FREE to the person who accepts it by faith.

Faith in Jesus Christ is what made him right with God, not becoming a heterosexual. Better yet saving faith meant coming to God freely as someone making no claim to righteousness, for the Bible teaches that God is the one “who justifies the ungodly” and causes “his faith [to be] reckoned as righteousness.” Buddy realized that the heart and soul of the Bible’s teaching dovetailed perfectly with his own agonizing dilemma and set him free, perhaps not in body, but in mind and in soul. Even if he were homosexual for the rest of his life, the gospel showed him that he could make peace with God in the midst of that dilemma, not just in spite of it. “Therefore having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:1).

No doubt there are many gays and lesbians who would find Buddy’s approach to dealing with his homosexuality distasteful and even offensive, particularly if one does not hold to conservative Christian beliefs. For Buddy to view his own homosexuality as a part of his sinful nature from which he needed to be saved is, in the eyes of many, hardly distinguishable from self-hatred. Setting homosexuality aside, the Christian claim that all human beings are by nature sinful and displeasing to God is a generally offensive message to anyone, whether gay or straight.

So I naturally would not expect someone like him to be embraced by the gay community, and of course he himself had no expectation of the kind. Where Buddy felt he really belonged was in the conservative church among fellow Christians who took a conservative approach to the Bible and held to a conservative stance on the issue of homosexuality as he did. Most of all he loved the gospel message that stood at the heart of conservative Christianity, the message that said he was a sinner saved by grace. In fact, one time he told me,

If I, personally, see that a church calls itself “gay friendly” then I usually avoid it like the plague....The problem I have with a “gay friendly” church is almost universally it means this. “God loves you. God does not condemn homosexuality. God ‘created’ you gay so you should just be proud of who you are.” Well, that certainly is “friendly” to me (gays). ON THE OTHER HAND, I do NOT think it is a scriptural approach to this issue.

So not only would his religious beliefs have offended secular gays, but his unabashed conservative Christian beliefs on homosexuality would have offended more liberal-minded gay Christians as well. Obviously a right-wing religious conservative like him belonged in a church where he could be with his own kind. But what happened when he tried to belong? I once asked Buddy about his experience being a gay Christian in the conservative church. He replied,

I don’t know what to say about church and all. I think I am really this “oddball” (not in a “bad” way--just realistically) when it comes to gay and church and all. I mean I have these serious convictions about going to a church that doesn’t condone homosexuality. That doesn’t mean I have a serious conviction about going to a church that tears me to shreds because I am not doing what they think I should be.

He also said,

Yes, conservatives can be a pain to be around. The biggest reason is because “if” and “when” you tell them you are gay--then, it becomes their obsession to fix you or to constantly go around evangelizing to you and reminding you that you are the church’s “sinner.”

What made such experiences especially hurtful for Buddy was that the whole point of attending a conservative church was to associate himself with Christians who agreed that homosexuality was a sin, and yet their response in turn was to treat him as if they had every reason to doubt the sincerity of his own conservatism on that point.

What’s our excuse?

So the gay community wouldn’t embrace Buddy, but neither would the conservative church. I can see why many liberal and/or secular gays wouldn’t accept someone as religious and conservative as Buddy. But as conservative Christians who love to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ, what’s our excuse? Why are we relegating a fellow believer like Buddy to second-class citizenship in the church? Certainly Buddy was a sinner, but that didn’t make him any different than the rest of us. And if we insist that it’s because he was a “depraved sinner,” what’s the problem with that? Aren’t we the ones who say that the whole point of preaching sin, judgment and hell is to wake people up from their spiritual complacency and get them to realize that they are indeed depraved sinners before a holy God? Buddy did exactly that. When it came to acknowledging his own sinfulness he was all there:

I am gay. Far more important though, I am a born again believer. Jesus Christ left heaven, came to earth, lived a perfect life and died to redeem a no good loser pervert like myself. I am Redeemed. How I love to proclaim it. Redeemed by the Blood of the Lamb.

“A no good loser pervert like myself” he said. Probably not something he would say to some of his gay friends who would take it as self-hatred, or to certain Christians who might take him to mean that he deserved the cruel name-calling routinely dispensed from fundamentalist pulpits. But Buddy said it to me knowing I would understand him in the context of our mutual love for the gospel. As evangelical Christians, calling ourselves “sinful,” “depraved” and “perverse” is a way of confessing our utter dependence upon divine grace, and our need of a forgiveness so radical that God had to come down from heaven and be crucified on a cross to secure it.

What distressed Buddy was how Christians failed to recognize that it is one thing to make this humble confession for yourself out of your own sense of spiritual need; it is quite another to have it thrust upon you by somebody else. Conservative Christians have long justified the practice of calling homosexuals “hell-bound perverts,” arguing that even though such name-calling and condemnations sound harsh, they are really saying these things out of love because they are so concerned to convict homosexuals of their sin and bring their precious souls to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

The problem is, what happens when it actually works? As much as Buddy felt despised and abused by such condemnations, he genuinely believed he was a hell-bound sinner in need of the grace of God through the cross of Christ, which enabled him to have the humility to say, “Okay, I admit that I am a terrible sinner. I do need Jesus to save me, and I believe in him with all my heart.” So did his fellow Christians respond by praising the Lord and letting the waters of baptism flow? Did they break out the hallelujah chorus and rejoice now that the prodigal son has returned home?

Nope, at least that’s not what Buddy experienced. As if panicked at the notion that a homosexual could slip into the kingdom of God that easily, people only wanted to set up more hurdles for him to clear, and more hoops to jump through. Hey, you can’t just repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ to be saved (even though that is what we tell everyone else), you’ve gotta become straight too.

Buddy writes,

By and large, everyone thinks (if they are really conservative) that you can be cured of being gay. Or at the very least, you should obsess about getting “cured” until the day you die. It never occurs to them that they have only known you 6 months and so it’s a big deal for them. They don’t realize I already spent five years “getting the cure” and I’m still gay. If you tell them that then you must’ve went to the wrong group or you were not sincere enough or whatever.

I can see how conservative Christians would be concerned about someone who sleeps around with a different guy every night of the week then shows up to church on Sunday and expects to get a blessing from God. But if we’re talking about someone like Buddy who was committed to celibacy, why give him grief as if there were something more he ought to be doing in pursuit of his own sanctification? After all, how much more repentance over homosexuality can one demand than a guy deny himself not only gay sex, but sex altogether? Those of us who are married haven’t come close to making that kind of personal sacrifice for our Lord for the sake of holy living. You would think that Buddy would have received nothing but admiration and respect from his fellow Christians. So why did so many of them instead respond by calling into question his Christian commitment just because he was honest enough to admit that the sexual inclination he felt in the privacy of his heart happened to be homosexual instead of heterosexual?

Once again, it all goes back to why gay celibacy is off-message in so many conservative churches. It is simply not acceptable in conservative Christian circles to consider that homosexuality might be an involuntary condition, and that perhaps most people can’t change their orientation. When Buddy said he was gay and was also seeking to be sexually chaste, that didn’t fit into the homosexuality-is-a-perverse-lifestyle-choice mold. So rather than questioning their assumptions about homosexuality, considering that perhaps people don’t choose to be homosexual any more than any of us choose to have a sinful nature in the first place, people simply tried to cram Buddy back into the proper mold by attacking his integrity and questioning his claim that he couldn’t become straight. What do you mean you couldn’t change? You must not have tried hard enough, or prayed hard enough, or persevered long enough. Did you try this group, or that group, or that group over there? So are you saying that God’s power is limited? That he isn’t faithful? If you haven’t changed it can’t be God’s fault, there must be something wrong with you.

Such attitudes in the church left Buddy with two depressing options: either he had to utterly conceal his daily spiritual struggles and never be able to enjoy close friendships or prayer support from any of his fellow Christians; or he could risk being honest, which at best might reduce him to the lowest place on the church’s spiritual totem pole, or at worst result in a knee-jerk excommunication by church leaders who were far too emotionally invested in the anti-gay aspects of the culture war to understand that his homosexuality did not automatically make him spiritually rebellious, sexually promiscuous or a child molester.

Of course there was also a third option, and that was to call himself “ex-gay.” It is a label that certainly would have made him more palatable to other evangelicals, and when he used to be involved with the ex-gay movement, he probably did refer to himself as such. Buddy once explained to me that most Christians involved with that movement call themselves “ex-gay” not because they have become bona fide heterosexuals who never struggle with homosexual feelings, but rather because they have made a commitment to try to become straight, or because they have succeeded in abstaining from gay sex for a period of time. For those within the ex-gay movement,“ex-gay” usually means “working-toward-becoming-straight-but-haven’t-necessarily-arrived-yet,” which is to say that in practice it is largely a gay celibacy movement. That means there would be little practical difference between most ex-gays and someone like Buddy except in the label they use to identify themselves. Their point of departure is really in ideology, that is, how they choose to evaluate their respective futures. One person struggles with homosexual feelings for years but still believes that God will enable her to conquer them fully someday. She is labeled “ex-gay.” Another person concludes from the same experience that if his feelings haven’t gone away for 20+ years then they aren’t likely ever to go away, so he commits himself to a lifetime of celibacy. He is labeled “gay.”

If it sounds like there is a certain amount of equivocation and false advertising going on in the ex-gay movement, then you can understand why Buddy eventually left. But in severing his ex-gay ties, he knew he was also forsaking his sole ticket to acceptance in conservative Christian circles if he wanted to be open with people about his struggles. Because in the conservative church, it is only acceptable to talk about your homosexuality if you refer to it as a part of your “past” (though in truth it may be very much an ongoing issue with you) and if you label yourself “ex-gay.” But it is not acceptable to talk about it if you refer to your homosexuality as not merely a past issue but as a very real and present one that you believe will always be a part of your life--in short, if you are honest with people that you are still homosexual. So by the time Buddy got to the place where he concluded that no amount prayer, Bible study, meditation, struggle or self-flagellation over the years had contributed to any progress in changing his sexual orientation, he was faced with a decision. He could go through the motions of being on the “ex-gay” recovery route for the sake of appeasing conservative Christians who needed him to keep up a charade so that they could continue believing that his homosexuality was a choice; or he could ditch the label for honesty’s sake, resulting in his disenfranchisement from both the straight and ex-gay elements of the conservative evangelical church. Buddy courageously chose the latter.

“Gays are the problem”

So where did that leave him? One day he dropped me the following note:

Good Morning Misty,

It’s Monday. As I stood in the lobby of the church yesterday I kept thinking about your email. People coming and going, and there’s not a single person there that I know on any personal level. I’m not saying it’s all “their fault.” I’m just saying I don’t know anyone there.

I went to a singles gathering some months ago. It was not a great experience for me. I had planned to go again but I haven’t had the motivation to make it back yet.

Buddy wrote that on one of his better days. There were other days when he vented to me the full extent of his church frustrations:

While I do not defend my behavior or the behavior of many of those around me, I believe that if gays had not been rejected so frequently in the past, then many times we might never have went as far down as we have plummeted at times....Gays have been beat up and beat up and beat up and told we deserve to be killed, we deserve to die of AIDS, we deserve to be tied to a post and pistol whipped and then have some preacher Phelps lift that up as wonderful, we have been mistreated and we do not easily fit into straight culture anyways....As gays we do not trust straight people (especially conservatives). Why is that? Every time the word gay comes up in conservative vernacular it is some cause they are fighting. If you ask any red blooded conservative American what the number one moral problem in America is they will say either homosexuality or abortion. For conservatives, GAYS ARE THE PROBLEM.

Certainly Buddy had every reason to believe he ought to be treated just like anyone else in the conservative church. He acknowledged the depths of his own sinfulness in the strongest possible terms. He sought to honor the Bible’s prohibitions against homosexual activity at great personal cost to himself. He placed his hope of salvation entirely in the grace of God through the cross of Jesus Christ. And he took care to worship only at conservative Bible-believing churches that didn‘t condone homosexuality. For all that, the fact that he would encounter flat-out rejection from his fellow Christians, or worse, a modicum of acceptance that was conditioned on his willingness to equivocate about his homosexuality and/or abide by a code of silence, seems to say a whole lot more about the conservative church’s sin than about Buddy’s.

For one thing, it exposes our failure to confront the issue of homosexuality with the honesty, objectivity and care it deserves, and Buddy put his finger on the reason when he complained about the “cause” conservatives are so bent on fighting. We have involved ourselves so deeply in a culture war that demands that we view all homosexuals as the enemy, that we have allowed our political agenda to take precedence over our spiritual responsibilities toward fellow believers like Buddy. And now we have gotten to a place where we can hardly afford to hear out someone like Buddy, because what he has to say threatens to undermine the sense of moral high ground we believe we possess in our political and cultural battle for Christian America. After everything we have invested emotionally, spiritually and financially into the religious right’s anti-homosexual crusade of the past two decades, how could we now afford to consider that we might be mistaken in our public accusation that homosexuality is a rebellious lifestyle choice? How could we now contemplate the possibility that most people don’t choose to be homosexual, since it would mean that our noble cause is actually founded upon an utter falsehood, and that we have been slandering an entire segment of American society from our pulpits in the name of God, and pouring untold resources into a misguided political effort that has only exacerbated people’s fear and hatred toward otherwise innocent people? Not to mention that if we have indeed been wrong and were forced to reverse our position, the repercussions upon the evangelical community would be painful. It would mean having to eat major humble pie. It would mean a mortal blow to our current Christian political agenda. It would mean having to scrape the “Take Back Vermont” bumper stickers off our cars and minivans.

Yet there is something much more important that we need to be concerned about, and that is the truth. Surely the existence of a person like Buddy ought to cause us to think twice about the kinds of statements we are used to making about what homosexuality is and what homosexual people are like. And if Buddy has raised any doubt in our minds about whether our public propaganda about homosexuals has been truthful and accurate, isn’t it our moral duty as Christians to seek out the truth so that we can set the record straight? Christians certainly have nothing to fear from the truth. As a community of believers that has pledged to live for the eternal things of heaven and forsake the passing pleasures of this world, we believe that the truth is more important to us than the opinions of men, the possession of political power, or protecting our own pride. On the other hand, if we lack the integrity and necessary faith in God to confront this issue with the intellectual honesty and self-criticism it demands, why should anyone listen to what we have to say about more weighty and profound issues such as those relating to God, Jesus, the Bible or salvation?

Back to the basics

But our treatment of homosexuals in society isn’t half of the problem. What about homosexuals within the church body? The treatment Buddy received in his church experience seems hardly defensible in view of the testimony of his life as a Christian. Nothing about his profession of faith or personal conduct indicated that his homosexuality had anything to do with being extraordinarily willful, rebellious, self-deceived or unrepentant. For if Buddy’s homosexuality were a choice, how do we explain why he would choose something only to turn around and fight so fiercely against it? If being homosexual is about indulging in a “sexual lifestyle,” then how does that fit in with the commitment he made to being celibate the rest of his life? If homosexuality is a sign of spiritual rebellion, how do we explain the signs of spiritual grace such as faith, repentance, love for Christ, struggle against sin and pursuit of personal sanctification so plainly evident in his life?

Far from being a special case of extraordinary depravity and willful rebellion, all the evidence of Buddy’s life points rather to this being an ordinary case of just another sinner wrestling with just another sin. If there was anything extraordinary about Buddy, it was the heroic lengths he went to truly deny himself, take up his cross and follow his Lord. But if we insist on seeing his struggles as reason only to condemn and exclude him instead of recognizing the vital faith at work in his life, then to be fair we would have to make it a practice to treat every professing Christian who struggles with any type of sin in exactly the same manner. The alcoholic who strives each day to remain sober, the housewife dealing with chronic depression, the teenage girl with an eating disorder--we would need to inform such persons in our congregations that we will no longer tolerate them making mention of their disgraceful struggles to us. They must overcome their sin completely before they can be worthy to worship in our midst, although we might tolerate them if they would be willing to deny that they are currently dealing with those struggles in any serious manner and assure us that those sinful “lifestyles” were just a part of their past. And if they confess to slipping up in some errant thought or feeling we will be gracious and suppose it excusable, but only if it’s not too out of hand and they are quick to assure us that those lapses were only a fluke.

Most Christians would recognize such an approach as unbearably legalistic, judgmental and uncompassionate since none of us would want such standards applied to our own lives. Is there anyone among us who doesn’t do battle with some particular area of sin, whether it is impurity, greed, lust, pride, jealousy, vanity, gluttony, unforgiveness, prejudice, bitterness, laziness, selfishness or self-centeredness, all of which are just as much violations of God’s law as homosexuality? None of us are completely free from the corruption of sin, for the Bible teaches that as sons of Adam we are all born with a sinful nature. However much we may abound in good works and seek to restrain ourselves from evil, because of the Fall we are ultimately powerless to rid ourselves of that seed of corruption imbedded in our very natures from birth.

Yet the reason why we can still call ourselves Christians, be welcomed into the church, and love and accept one another without reservation is that the Bible teaches that faith in Jesus Christ is what justifies us before God, not our ability to keep God’s law. Faith is confessing that you are a sinner in need of a Savior, trusting that Jesus Christ atoned for your sins on the cross of Calvary, and receiving the merit of Christ’s perfect righteousness in place of your own. That is the basis on which God accepts us, and why he commands us to love and accept one another as he himself does. It is not that we no longer care about personal morality. We do. It is rather that the Bible teaches that true morality springs out of love, not fear, out of freedom, not bondage. It tells us that people will end up fulfilling the law only when they have first been freed from the terror of its condemnation; for it is not guilt but freedom from guilt that enables people to live morally before their God, and it is not condemnation but the forgiveness of sins through Christ’s atonement that reconciles people into a loving relationship with their heavenly Father such that they want to obey him from the heart (Romans 8:1-4). This completely radical understanding of man’s moral redemption before God is what the Bible calls the gospel. It is the fundamental principle behind a truly Christian understanding of faith and life.

To believe in justification by faith alone is to concede that some sins are so deeply rooted in our nature they cannot be undone in this life by trying to jump-start our motivation to obedience through therapy, discipleship programs, theological learning or even the power of prayer. Yet the age-old temptation is to believe that we can take the problem of sin into our own hands. The apostle Paul understood this temptation, which is why he rebuked the Galatian Christians for buying into the notion that faith in Christ wasn’t enough to be justified before God, that they also needed to submit themselves to the Law by becoming circumcised. “You foolish Galatians, who has bewitched you, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified? This is the only thing I want to find out from you: did you receive the Spirit by the works of the Law, or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” (3:1-3) To Paul’s mind pursuing spiritual perfection by law-keeping is a complete reversal from the cross of Christ and salvation by faith alone, because it is a denial of the truth that “a man is not justified by the works of the Law but through faith in Christ“ (2:16), for “if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly” (2:21). Not only does Paul deny that the Law can perfect us or make us righteous, he says that the sole purpose of the Law is to curse us (3:10), to enslave us (4:24-25; 5:1), and to imprison us in the hopeless state of our sin so that we would be driven to faith in Christ (3:21-26). To anyone who believes otherwise about the Law Paul says, “You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace” (5:4).

I keep thinking about those ominous words: if you are seeking to be justified by law, you have been severed from Christ and have fallen from grace. This is not a hyperbolic statement of a maverick apostle who radically departed from the teachings of Jesus as is sometimes supposed. On the contrary, the apostle Paul couldn’t be more dead on the mark in articulating the central message of Jesus’ own ministry. For when you turn to the Gospels, you can’t help but notice that the only people Jesus seems to have a real beef with are the Pharisees, scribes and religious leaders--that is, the ones who pride themselves on keeping the law and go around condemning other people who aren’t as righteous as they. Jesus taught that the touters of the law are the ones who are in danger of missing the kingdom of heaven, not the sinners who already know they are law-breakers, mourn over their sin, and seek to follow Christ out of genuine humility and spiritual need. That was Jesus’ point behind the famous parable of the Pharisee and the publican (Luke 18:9-14). It’s why he said, “It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance” (Luke 5:31-32). It’s why we see him hanging out with the prostitutes, lepers, Samaritan heretics and adulterous women while shunning the company of the respected leaders and establishment types of his day. It’s why he rebuked the chief priests and elders by saying, “Truly I say to you that the tax-gatherers and harlots will get into the kingdom of God before you” (Matthew 21:31). Jesus taught that the mystery of the kingdom of God is that true faith is possessed not by the righteous who feel no need of salvation, but by the law-breakers, the downtrodden, the despised and the outcasts. They are Jesus’ most devoted followers, perhaps because having to suffer the slander, insults and condemnation of others is what drives them to a deeper faith and to a sweeter, more profound love for their Savior.

Today, homosexuals are considered to be as sinful as harlots, as condemned as lepers, and as unclean as Gentiles, which is to say that they match the profile of the very people whom Jesus most loved. As a body of believers that is called to represent Jesus Christ on earth, our churches ought to be a haven to such persons, but instead we have been their worst enemy. Not only do we turn them away by railing against them, vilifying them and mocking them in public and among ourselves, but if they do seek our spiritual help we require them to live up to a standard of sexual purity in their thought-lives and emotional lives that few can realistically achieve, and for that we condemn them. How is it possible that we are justified by faith but they must be justified by works, that our sin is cleansed by Christ’s blood but their sin must be expunged from both heart and mind by their own efforts?

Such a double standard has troubling implications. It is not merely a question of whether we have been loving enough, or patient enough, or tolerant enough toward sinners. It is a question of whether the conservative church is in danger of compromising the very gospel of Jesus Christ we claim so passionately to stand for. These days the term “conservative Christian” has become a synonym for “anti-gay.” How unfortunate, for it seems to me that those who carry on in this inexplicable hostility toward homosexuals do so at the expense of the gospel, losing sight of the very heart and soul of conservative Christianity itself.

Buddy writes,

The key really rests in getting conservative churches (the people in the pews, the preachers, the Sunday school teachers, the evangelists, the deacons) to GROW UP . . . They must grow up and realize that being a conservative doesn’t mean you have to have simple solutions for every problem. It means you take God seriously and recognize that sometimes things are more complicated than we would like to acknowledge. It means loving people where they are, and pointing sinners to a Savior that came to save the lost. It’s way past time for the church to get off its “culture war” kick, this morality police kick, and just get back to the basics. The basics of “all have sinned” and “for God so loved.”

Amen, brother. And getting back to the basics of the gospel means simply this: that “from now on we recognize no man according to the flesh” because “if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come.” For “God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them,” because “He made [Christ] who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him” (2 Corinthians 5:16, 17, 19, 21).

I miss my friend Buddy. Even though we corresponded for only a short time, I grew to love, respect and admire him immensely. His courage was unwavering, his honesty was brutal, and his love for Christ was absolutely contagious. One couldn’t help but grow attached to him. In the weeks and months following his death, the loss was such that I hardly knew how to carry on without him. It has only made it harder for me to understand why the conservative church not only tries to carry on without the blessing of knowing Christians like Buddy, but thinks it a matter of spiritual principle to do so. All I can say is, I take comfort in knowing that he has been received into the company of his fellow saints in heaven, and I hope that the true fellowship and brotherly love he is experiencing there might someday become a reality also among believers here on earth.

God bless you, my friend. May your soul rest in peace and in joy for all eternity.

Written February 20, 2002
Posted on November 20, 2002
MusingsOn.com
© 2000, 2004 by Misty S. Irons

"It is finished."

2006-07-04T07:44:00.000+08:00

I have learnt that those are the three most powerful words in the history of the universe. With those words came an earthquake and the raising of many dead to life. But the most significant event was the tearing of the veil in the temple from top to bottom, because it was the rending of that giant curtain that signified my reconciliation with my Creator. It was that symbol that meant I could come back to God. No fear, no condemnation. Only love.

Because when Jesus accepted the fate of the cross on his shoulders, he took more than three nails and a tree. He took the fate of the sin-drowned world upon himself. He took my fate on Himself… because He loved me so unimaginably much. He shed his blood for me, that I could be clean. He lifted the burden and guilt of my sins from me, that I would not die, but live. He gave it all up for me, that I would remember Him and realize just how He feels about me.

And those three beautiful words, so full of meaning and depth, so immensely powerful… He meant that His work on earth was done. He had finished what He had been sent to do–

He brought me back to Himself.

And for that sacrifice, I am eternally grateful. For those words have the power to change lives because they demonstrate in three labouring aspirations the depth of love of the One who created the heavens and the earth, and yet would give it all for one as lowly as me. What have I done that a God would die for me?

At the cross I bow my knee, where Your blood was shed for me. There’s no greater love than this. You have overcome the grave and Your glory fills the highest place. What can separate me now?

For You tore the veil, and You made a way, when You said that it is done.

And when the earth fades and falls from my eyes, and You stand before me, I know You love me.

I know You love me.

- At The Cross, Hillsong.

Thank You, my Potter and my Carpenter, my Counsellor and my Redeemer…

Thank You, Jesus, my Saviour.

I was listening to Christmas carols one day.

2006-06-28T12:03:00.000+08:00

And I was inspired to write a story that connects Christmas and Easter. I asked myself, what would the mood in Heaven be like at both points?

And here's what came out of that. I call it "The Prequel".

---------------------------------------------------

The cavernous halls were abuzz with whispered voices and animated conversations alike. Excited speculation had spread like wildfire as saintly citizens attempted to guess what was in the works, adding their two cents to the various debates scattered throughout the halls.

David listened quietly as he stood with the famous boatman and the great friend of the Almighty and listened to their conversation.

“What do you think Yahweh is planning?” asked Noah.

“Who knows?” replied Abraham, forefinger at his lips. “The Almighty has always had a knack for divine mysteriousness.”

Noah smiled wryly. “Come now, Abe. Do you mean to say that He has not told even you?”

David noticed a twinkle in Abraham’s eye and chuckled. “Oh, don’t tease him, Noah. Whatever the Lord decides to reveal, He will reveal in His own good time. Don’t you worry— when the time comes, we will all know what’s going on. Oh! Look!”

A tall figure with a focused look in his eye walked passed them, seemingly heading straight to a decided destination. He was dressed in white robes that moved and flowed with each stride. The belt around his waist shone and reflected any light it caught. The crowded hall noticed him, and a new flame of discussion burst forth.

“It’s Gabriel!” whispered Noah.

“If one such as he has been called into the Holy of Holies, then there is a divine plot afoot,” said Abraham with a knowing smile.

They watched in silence as the angelic host took resolute strides, ignoring everyone. No one misconstrued it as rudeness but realized that urgency pressed him onward, and made way.

As Abraham returned to his conversation with Noah about what exactly the fuss was all about, David looked on after Gabriel. He felt a stirring within him, as if this news would prove momentous to him in some way. He silently stole away from Noah and Abraham, and walked after Gabriel. The Messenger was a good distance away, and David took large strides to catch up.

“You know that only I have been called, David,” Gabriel called out without stopping or turning around.

David finally caught up and walked beside him. “Yes, Gabriel, I realize that. But when one of the Cherubim is called to the Throne, you can’t blame us for being curious. And not just any host, but you the Messenger, which means the Lord has words for one on Earth. Moreover, I feel a stirring—”

“Ah yes, the stirring. The Spirit touches you too.”

David had walked a few more steps before he realized that the angel had stopped in his tracks. “What do you mean, Gabriel?”

“You are not the only one who has asked those of the host why they have felt a rousing of the Spirit,” the angel said, smiling.

“Oh?”

“If you had pressed him, I am certain Abraham would have told you he senses what you do. As do his sons, of whom you are one if I remember correctly.”

The angel continued walking and David followed. ‘What could this mean?’ he thought. He suddenly realized it seemed that those who felt the stirring were of the same lineage, ancestor and descendant alike. When it involved a plan of the Almighty, significance such as this was no coincidence. He found himself wondering who his current earthly descendants were and whether they felt as he did.

They finally reached the immense door of the Holy Halls leading to the throne room, and Gabriel turned to him. “For now, you can go no further. But do not let curiosity overtake you. You of all people know that Elohim’s plans will be revealed at the right time.”

With that, he entered the holy halls, and David returned to the halls of discussion.

Heaven was deafeningly silent. No one breathed a word as they watched in shocked disbelief at the Son on the crude cross. His battered body hung like a rag doll and even the heavenly host looked on in quiet incredulity.

“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?”

It was as if the cry rang out through the heavenly halls, echoing and resounding through every corridor. David shook his head. This couldn’t be happening! The Chosen One, the Messiah, The One sent to save the world, The Christ—

Dead.

He wept. He ran. He knew not where, but he ran as fast as he could, eyes shut, mind disbelieving, confused, incredulous. He knew the Lord to be perfect in His plans as well as His timing. But he did not understand this death.

When he finally stopped and opened his eyes, he found himself outside the doors to the Holy Halls. He pushed them open and walked through the Halls in silence, heading for the throne room doors at the end. When he reached them he stopped. Yahweh definitely knew he was outside, and of course knew why he had come.

With a deep breath, he placed his hands on the colossal doors. They opened, and a brilliant light shone forth. The floor inside was a sea of flawless glass, and angels stood and flew in rows upon rows, filling the throne room with choruses and songs of praise. David shielded his eyes as the tangible presence of the Lord flowed out and the air was filled with the trisagion chant of the Seraphim. He walked into the seemingly boundless room, and as the doors closed behind him, all David could see was the impossibly bright light as it enveloped him. As he raised his eyes to the incandescent Throne, his sight was filled with the majesty and all-encompassing glory of the One upon it.

"Welcome, David."

The voice resounded through the immense room and bounced off the walls he could not see. It was like the crashing of giant ocean waves and the roar of a thousand peals of thunder, yet the articulation of his name by the Divine Vox resonated within him like jubilant butterflies in the pit of his stomach and made his heart leap in wonder.

“Adonai,” David whispered breathlessly. At that moment, he felt a wave of pure love and joy wash over him from the Throne, a magnificent ripple of tender reassurance— and something else. A tiny hint of something else. He gasped and laughed. He could hardly contain himself. It was the kind of feeling you had when you were planning something so grand and so incredible for someone that you could not help but smile about it and think how great it would be and how much happiness it would bring.

Except this was on a universal scale. No, an infinite scale. And it centered on the Son. This death was significant not because it was the end, but the beginning. He could almost see the large smile on the Almighty’s face.

Something was happening. Something was in the works. And knowing the Almighty, whatever it was, it was going to be unimaginably good.

Missing in action

2006-06-14T13:03:00.000+08:00

For anyone who actually reads, I do apologize for not posting for so long. I've been busy with life. Had a great church camp recently, and the speaker was good.

Suffice to say that I've come to a realization. If I want a breakthrough, I have to obey God, in spite of all else.

And I do want to be straight. Would it mean a change in me? Yes, it would. A significant life and mind change. It would change the way I think, the way I speak, the way I act. But if it's a good change wrought and sanctioned by God, then by Him, I want it! But just as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo said, I believe that God will deliver me. But even if He doesn't, I will praise Him and only Him.

You

2006-05-01T03:29:00.000+08:00

I can't sleep. I can't sleep because my mind is swirling with so many things, but mostly you. I wonder what you're doing… Probably sleeping, breathing in the cold air-conditioned air, snug under your blankets. Oh, what I would give to watch you, to see the rise and fall of your form with each breath. To be there with you, to hug you to sleep, to feel your skin beneath my hands, to be so close that I smell your every breath, and take heart in the fact that I would wake with you, and smile with you in my arms, and kiss you into waking. If only you knew how much I feel inside for you…

The night is quiet and all I can hear is the hum of the laptop. Not even the crickets are out tonight. I can't sleep because I miss you. I can't sleep because I know I will miss you. If I leave, it'll just mean I'll be further from you. I'll see you less, hear you less, feel you less.

I wonder if you think of me, somewhere in the shadows of your mind. I wonder if you know that I could simply sit and look at your face, drinking in every detail, and be satisfied. I wonder if you know that your joy is my joy and your tears are my tears no matter what, and I wonder if you know how much it lifts me to see you, to be around you, and yet how much it pains me and breaks my heart every time because you're not mine, and will never be because I'm chained with burdens against my will and nature.

I die every time you call my name and my heartstrings tear every time you laugh. Like a moth to a flame, I'm drawn to you, because within the burning pain lies joy that is worth the emotional suicide. Sometimes I wonder how long I'll last before the flame consumes me. Sometimes I think I should run far away, but I have not the strength or willpower to turn away from you. And I just keep coming back.

And yet, I hold back from doing more. Why? Because I know there are things bigger than us. There are things bigger than my pain. I know there are things beyond what I can see. I know God's heart is bigger than mine. I know God's love is bigger than mine. I love you so much, but God loves us infinitely more. I look to the one day when it won't hurt as much, the day when I can look at you and not cry inside. I pray for that day to come when my desire for you is pure and beyond that, I pray that my love for you will be like His.

I can't sleep. I hope you can.

Been reading some.

2006-04-02T19:03:00.000+08:00

This article is just... wow. Everything I believe about my situation and my current struggles with faith, that article seems to talk about.

I can totally identify with Buddy. Somehow I wish I'd known him. He would've been an inspiration.

But the most recent bit of wisdom that has hit me is JJ's latest post where she says that if asked whether she would want to be straight, she'd probably say no. She then explains why:

And that “no” is not because I have anything against being straight, or even that I think that “God made me this way”, but because I think that if I were to suddenly become straight, I would end up being a completely different person. Being gay is such a central part of me (just like being straight is central to any straight person) that if that were to be removed, I have no idea what would be left. I can’t even say that I wish I could go back to the beginning of my life and just be straight from then on, because I don’t know what that would look like, and I have no idea what that version of me would want at all.

My sentiments exactly. I used to wish God would make me straight... but now I know that if He did, I'd be a completely different person. If I were to start over straight, I know that things would turn out totally different, and my life now would also be very different. I do not blame God for what I am, but I believe He has shaped me and molded me with the things that has happened in my life, and to say I would go back and do it all over again a different way would mean negating all the good He has wrought out of the bad. I believe He has a plan for me the way I am now, and until He wants to change me, I will be happy the way I am.

JJ's post and the article I mentioned above have opened my eyes to a new line of thought; insofar as my identity goes, I no longer want to be straight. Being gay is part of who I am. Not that I'm accepting that practicing homosexuality is OK. Far from it-- I will live for Christ according to what He has called me to in His Word, and I believe a life of celibacy is part of my path. But I know that no amount of meditation, Bible study, therapy, or even prayer can change my sexual orientation. Only God can change me, and even then, only through a miracle.

But ultimately, I leave it in God's hands. Like I said to a friend of mine, if it is in the will of God to work a miracle in my life, then I want to submit to Him. But even if He doesn't, I will not compromise my faith, and I will never give up.

Oh, and I'm an advocating analyst.

2006-03-14T00:40:00.000+08:00

I look at this photo, and it stirs something deep inside me. Something raw. Something I've suppressed ever since I can remember realizing that I'm different from other guys.

This is what I want. I want to feel so much of that passion that I have never allowed myself to feel for all these years. I want to express myself and all I have within me. I want to tell people what I go through everyday and not be condemned and judged and hated. I want to pour out my heart because I have all these feelings and emotions that can't be accepted, and it builds up within me and begins to burn as anger.

Do you know what it's like? That impossible anger strangling your grief, until the memory of your loved one is just poison in your veins, and one day you catch yourself wishing the person you love had never existed, so you'd be spared your pain.

But in the end, I just want to love and be loved by that person.

And God would call me to deny myself that?

I just don't understand.

To all my straight friends, you have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what it means to love someone and know that you can't ever be with that person or tell that person how you feel. To know that you can't tell anyone how you feel, and all you can do is hold it inside and let it eat away at you. To love someone and know that no one would ever accept your love or even try to understand the concept of it. To be so in love and yet so lost because of it. I scorn you and your claims that love is hard. You know nothing. You have no idea what hard means.

Why, God? Why can't I love like everyone else? Why do they get to be "normal" and be able to love who they want? Why do they get to have it easy?

Why?

How long must I deny myself? How long before you pull me from this ungodly existence?

How long?

2006-02-21T07:41:00.000+08:00

For ages I have been giving excuses.

I figured out that I've been using my homosexuality as an excuse to feel depressed. It has been my explanation for countless things that happen to me. I've ostensibly held, even on this blog, that it shouldn't matter and it's just another sin I have to submit to God. But I guess deep inside I never really believed it.

Funny how the older a vice gets, the more you seem to hold on to it, and almost nurture and embrace it like it were an old friend. It becomes an escape when you don't feel like going to church or participating in activities. You just sit there in your self-loathing and pity and tell yourself, "Argh, I'm worthless and disgusting!" and somewhere inside, you're thinking, "Woo hoo! I'm worthless and disgusting!" whilst the demon on your shoulder gloats at what he's accomplished. The Bible talks about light and darkness in 1 John, and somehow it's like, I'm so used to the darkness that the light scares me. And somehow I want to live in the light, but don't want to fully step into it for fear of missing something in the darkness.

It's really hard, isn't it? The alternative is to let go of it all, to open my hands and give it all to Him, for only He can heal. Because once I release it to Him, I will be free and can live life in all its abundance as Jesus intended. I will be unhindered and can strive to do His will because I desire deep in my heart to love Him and adore Him as much as I'm supposed to. I won't have to worry about my homosexuality or my other sins, because I will know that in persevering to do God's will and holding strong to the promises of Christ, I will be on the right track.

Oh Lord, please help me to let go of these excuses that I use to turn away from You. Help me to let go of the darkness and step fully into Your light and into all the endless possibilities that You have for my life. Guide me on Your path and help me to do Your will.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

2006-01-26T00:54:00.000+08:00

Take this world from me, I don't need it anymore.

I am finally free. Now I have a peace I've never known before... I find myself complete, my heart is spoken for. Oh, I praise You and I worship You.

Covered by Your love divine, I'm a child of the risen Lord. To hear You say "This one's mine", my heart is spoken for. By the power of the cross, You've taken what was lost and made it fully Yours. And I have been redeemed by You who spoke to me.

Now I am spoken for.

Lyrical credits: Spoken For by Mercy Me

2006-01-24T11:23:00.000+08:00

I've been reading Eric's blog, and everytime I hear about these accounts of bigotry and hypocrisy within the church, it scares me because it could just as well be happening to me.

I often wonder what the reaction would be if issues of homosexuality were brought up in the church. Where would the divide be? It'd be interesting and frightening at the same time to see which side people would gravitate towards.

I'm still struggling with the question of where I stand in this homosexuality-and-the-church gap. But regardless of what I am or where I stand, it shouldn't matter, just as long as we're all connected through Christ. If I am struggling with the issue of being gay, why should it make me different from someone else struggling with an ostensibly "lesser" problem?

Anyway, back to Eric's blog. Two posts in particular (this one and this one) reminded me of a sermon on unity that I heard on Sunday. It was called "UNITY starts with U N I". In the sermon, the pastor said that the issue of disunity in the church had nothing to do with differences per se; it was all about indifference, i.e. simply not caring.

A Christian doctor was quoted as saying,

"Disunity is like cancer. It occurs when normal, healthy body cells turn into rogue cells, that no longer function in their called capacity. They become so fiercely independent that they become parasitic. It is the body consuming itself, a sort of cannibalism."

In order to be united, we need to be committed to one another in love and on the basis of personal relationships. In community, we learn to say WE instead of I, and OUR instead of mine (Romans 14:19). In commitment, there must be:

EFFORT. Ephesians 4:3 (CEV) - "Try your best to let God's Spirit keep your hearts united. Do this by living at peace."
ACCEPTANCE. Romans 15:7 (GNB) - "Accept one another, then, for the glory of God, as Christ has accepted you."
TOLERANCE. Ephesians 4:2 (NIV) - "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."
SELFLESSNESS. Philippians 2:3&4 (GNB) - "Don't do anything from selfish ambition or from a cheap desire to boast, but be humble toward one another, always considering others better than yourselves. And look out for one another's interests, not just for your own."

Only God can create real fellowship between believers. He cultivates it with the choices and commitments we make. But we must also do our part-- We must guard our unity (Romans 12:10&11). All of us have to play our part.

Unity does not mean doing the same things, getting everyone involved in the same projects or ministries. Here's the clincher-- It's about loving and trusting enough to accept, affirm and bless one another in pursuing the full range of callings God lays on the hearts of His people. It is essentially a ONENESS in Spirit!

2006-01-20T10:53:00.000+08:00

This is the most interesting thing I've read all week.

Makes a whole lot of sense.

2006-01-18T15:24:00.000+08:00

I just had my first straight wet dream in a long time.

Granted, it wasn't exactly the best of circumstances-- I was committing adultery and there was raucous promiscuous sex involved, but that's beside the point.

It was straight sex. And it got the job done, if you get my drift.

I woke up kinda confused. Pleasantly surprised, but confused. What does this mean? Is this a good sign? At this point I'm not so sure, but one thing's obvious-- I can still get off on straight sex.

A funny thing to celebrate, eh?

2006-01-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

My pee smells like coffee.

That's what you get from drinking 2 cups of espresso, I guess. As a result, my mind is churning, full of thoughts. Mindless thoughts. Heavy thoughts. Thoughts of action and consequence. Thoughts of life and faith and direction.

I know that the most important thing for me to do amidst the mental chaos is to let go and to cling to God. To hang on to Him and ask to be pulled out from the mire. And yet, I feel like just turning and walking away. I know I should run to Him, but I feel like running the other way.

There's something about being in a vice that pulls you in. You know the direction you're going, and you know what you could do to stop it, and yet you do nothing. You go with the flow, and let the current take you. You're not helpless, but you act like you are. You give in to the many clawed hands of depravity and iniquity, simply because you don't want to fight. Or maybe it's just an escape? But an escape from what? From God? From the world?

Or from yourself?

And while you're in deep, there's always a small glimmer of hope that you cling to. That maybe it would pull you out. I've been listening to David Crowder Band's latest CD, and there's one song called Rescue Is Coming. This is my hope. This is my foothold on the precipice that I hold on to, afraid to look down, not for fear of seeing what the chasm holds, but for fear that in seeing what lies beneath, I might choose to let go and fall.

There's a darkness in my skin
My cover's wearing thin, I believe
I'd love to start again, go back to innocent
And never leave

Don't give up now
A break in the clouds
We could be found

There's nothing wrong with me
It's just that I believe things could get better
And there's nothing wrong with love
I think it's just enough to believe

And there's nothing wrong with you
And nothing left to do
But believe something bigger
And there's nothing wrong with love
I know it's just enough to believe

Rescue is coming

"And while we yet were sinners, Christ died for us. He did not leave us alone. He stepped into our condition to bring us back to God. To bring us back to what was intended. The divine, bearing all of depravity. The most horrific of collisions. The most tragic and beautiful. The breaking is glorious and loud. We have won. It might not feel like it. You might not see it just yet. But the reality of our situation is that rescue is present. Every second of life is spent in the very presence of God. There is not a second of human history that he has not been present. Majesty is here. And it is coming. Finally. Just be quiet. And wait."
- David Crowder

What kind of boyfriend would I be?

2006-01-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

What kind of boyfriend would I be?

Been pondering that question for quite a while, and I figure I'd probably be the jealous type. Now, I've never actually been in a real relationship where I've had the chance to see how my feelings would fare under emotional pressure, so I can't say for sure. But judging from the way I handle friends, I'd probably be one of those green-monster type boyfriends.

It used to be that I took pride in how I handled my desires for other guys. If I met a guy I was attracted to, I inevitably fell for him. What I would always do was to set it straight in my head that nothing would ever come of the friendship, and that it would always remain just that-- a friendship. And in doing so, I would take all that emotional energy that would've gone into the relationship (if there was ever to be one), and put it into the friendship. What would subsequently result was friendships that were characterized by much closeness and no shortage of brotherly affection.

But lately I've found myself questioning it all. Have I really been successful at it? Looking back on my friendships, I wonder— Have I been deluding myself? I've been possessive of my friends before, and felt hurt many times by friends I cherished. I know that people do feel like this with friends they feel close to, but is my case different because I harbour deeper feelings for these friends?

Throughout all these questions, I wonder what Jesus would do. Then again, I doubt Jesus ever struggled with homosexual attraction marring his friendships.

How do you put it into words?

2006-01-07T02:25:00.000+08:00

How do you put it into words?

How can you express it? That itchy empty feeling... That void that gnaws at you.

It's just the beginning of the new year, and it strikes you that with the holidays, your faith also took a vacation. It came to a point where you simply just existed. You simply lived day to day, living in the moment. You were a shell, driven by needs and wants.

You realize that you're driven by the need to love that particular person who can't ever know you love him, who can't ever know the things you go through everyday, that whenever you see him your emotions soar so high, and despite the knowledge of the inevitable re-death when you crash back to earth, you can't help but feel that when you don't see him, the day feels empty.

And all the while you wish you had that same devotion for God. You wish you had that same desire in you for the One who saved you. And with this new year, the responsibilities of church and Christianity loom, and you find myself tired. Tired of doing but not living. Tired of feeling like it's a responsibility rather than a desire.

Is this a sign of spiritual stagnation? Is this a sign that you should move on? How do you shake this feeling and climb out of this rut? Or perhaps it's a sign that you never had what you think you did?

And throughout it all, you somehow feel you've missed the point. You feel like the poster-child for hypocrisy, and it almost feels like the only option is to run away. But where would you run? Where could you go? Seems like all that's left is for you to keep at the routine and hope and pray that God will show you an exit. That He will remind You of your purpose. That He will rekindle the fire that was in you.

If there ever was one to begin with.

It's New Year's Eve.

2005-12-31T14:18:00.000+08:00

It's New Year's Eve.

And I'm sitting at home, watching Evanescence on MTV, with the scent of chicken sh!t wafting through the air. For some reason the damn chickens are crapping up a storm lately. That, coupled with the rainy weather and the sun causes sh!t-laced steam to drift through the compound. Nothing like the smell of fowl fecal matter in the morning eh?

Tonight I'm off to my aunt's for a New Year's Eve dinner. And after that everyone plans to go to church. My initial thought is: how boring.

I mean, do I really want to spend my New Year's sitting in a church full of people, most of whom I wouldn't really choose to spend New Year's with anyway, listening to a sermon? I've always spent Eves at parties with friends and family. That's how I've always loved ushering in the New Year. I suppose this could be a change of sorts, but it just seems so... I dunno... anti-climactic.

Some people have said to me that it's the excitement of the new year that matters, but I don't subscribe to that. For me, the excitement of ushering in the new year depends on the company I keep at that particular moment. I want to spend it with people that matter to me. I want to be surrounded with the people I care for. I want to be around that special someone.

Without all that, the new year means nothing.

Then again, perhaps I should spend it with God this year? Would going to church really mean that? Couldn't hurt, I suppose.

What a life of contradictions.

2005-12-14T11:29:00.000+08:00

What a life of contradictions.

My life seems to have been defined by the objects of my love. As much as I sometimes try to deny it, my recent mission trip really hit home the fact that my mood and emotions revolve around the person I've fallen for. It was difficult to concentrate on the tasks at hand because my mind kept drifting to thoughts of him. And when we met again after being apart, my heart leapt for joy but at the same time grew heavier than it had ever been. How can someone, by their very presence, bring so much joy and yet so much pain at the same time?

I adore him more than I can express, and yet I hate him for the pain he brings me. I want to be around him all the time, but I want to avoid him. I want to hear him laugh, to see him happy, to know that he's OK; I want to know his faith in God is strong and intact and I want to see him succeed in all the things he does... and yet I don't want to care because it hurts too much.

My heart aches because I can't do anything with these feelings. If only God would take them away. If only He would save me from myself and not allow me to feel what I feel whenever this guy smiles at me... The fire it sets off in me, only for that fire to have dirt kicked upon it later.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right? Have you ever been in love so bad that you'd do anything to make them understand? Have you ever had someone steal your heart away that you'd give anything to make them feel the same?

You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes... Have you ever found someone you've given your heart to, only to know that person won't give their heart to you? Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there, and all you can do is wait for the day when they will care about you too?

I realize that my blog is different from the other gay blogs out there in the sense that I don't really talk too much about the intellectual side of things. I don't bring up too many arguments, I don't quote any authors from either side of the divide, nor do I take the time to dissect debates about said divide. My blog is very much an emotional one. I talk about the people I love and the things I go through because of that love. That alone might make it seem pathetic... But for me, what sets it apart is that it's not a guy talking about a girl, nor is it just a guy talking about a guy. It's about a Christian who is trying to make sense of what he's feeling inside. It's about a guy who wants to love God with everything he has, and yet has his feelings bound by the trappings of a sexual orientation that is seen as sin. It's about the gamut of emotions I go through because of my struggle with my sexuality in light of my faith and what it means to be under the mantle of "Christian" and under the grace of God and the blood of Christ.

Mostly it's about how these feelings will not go away. But the thing is, I've been through this heartache before. And this is the most painful part... But it tends to be a good sign as it shows I'm slowly moving along. Eventually, I'll be over him and he'll be just a brother to me. It happened before, and it'll happen again. And again. And again. Ad nauseum. Till the death, or till healing. Whichever comes first, in whatever form it comes.

But it never gets easier.

Sometimes I wonder if I can make it. Maybe it'd be easier to run away, or just end it?

I think about the church a lot.

2005-12-02T20:11:00.000+08:00

OK, maybe not a lot, but when I do it's mostly about how I fit in the congregation. Been reading this, and I found myself nodding along. We all have our vices and problems, but it seems that mine would be singled out as worse than everyone else's. But it's not worse than everyone else's. And I realized that even I find that this sin is ostensibly worse than the rest. It's the ingrained unspoken stigma of the "G" word. You just feel it's wrong to be gay. Whether or not it actually is-- well, that's a moot point.

Sometimes I wish I could just give into my desires. Then again, in this country that would make things a lot more difficult than keeping it a secret. But what's the alternative? Life-long celibacy? God himself said in Genesis that it's not good for man to be alone. I suppose God might grant the spiritual gift of celibacy to some, but I doubt I have it. I want to be in a meaningful relationship. I want to have kids. I want someone to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse.

I just want to love, and not be condemned for it.

I find myself specifically questioning the church's failure (or rather, avoidance) in the issue of homosexuality. Though sometimes I find myself wondering whether the seeming lack of homosexuality in my church is because no one would ever come out and admit it.

Somehow I'm sure I'm not the only person in my church that struggles with this problem. I can't be..... can I?

I'm scheduled to lead worship in church tomorrow.

2005-11-20T00:08:00.000+08:00

And here I'm sitting here feeling discouraged. I don't know what it is... It could be just the weight of the planning-- which songs to pick, what the best order would be, what should be done to make it conducive to a better worship atmosphere, whether the congregation will take to that new song I'm introducing, etc.

Or it could just be that maybe, once again, after everything's been said and done, I still feel inadequate. I still feel like I shouldn't be up there leading the praise and worship. I still feel like I'm out of place. As if I don't belong somehow...

But I know that no matter how much I try, I cannot make people worship Him. All I can do is prepare the songs as best I can and lead the team in praising His name... What the congregation does is up to them.

But you know, despite all that I've been through, despite all my feelings, the despair, and how unworthy I feel, all it takes is to hear the voice of God in worship to remind me how wrong I am about myself. He reminds me that worship's all about Him, and that it always has been.

He reminds me that when the devil is dredging up the guilt and memories of past sins, I can seek refuge in His shadow. I can find rest in Him. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Thank You God, that Your faithfulness endures always, where mountains fall and reason fails. When I feel like I'm dying inside, when I feel like I'm going to be overwhelmed by the turmoil within me, You calm the raging seas and You calm the storms in me over and over again. My heart will praise throughout the night where singing seems a sacrifice.

All I know is I find rest in You... Your grace is all I need.

Lyrical credits:
Rest In You by Hillsong United

What Would You Do?

2005-11-16T21:43:00.000+08:00

I sometimes wonder, "What if I died?"
Would they know that I loved them,
Despite that I lied?
Would they know my feelings
And all I held within?
I wonder if they'd discover
The depth of my sin.

I am so full of anger
And sometimes hate
At the fact that they refuse
To understand or relate.
Not that they could
Even if they tried,
Which leaves me quite alone
With no one in which to confide.

We laugh and we smile
Alone and together.
You call me your friend,
Through fine or stormy weather.
You would never hesitate
To give me a helping hand
But if you knew the truth
Do you really think you'd understand?

Or would you be so quick
To point the condemning finger?
How long would you last, my friend,
How long would you linger?

Whether you can't understand, or whether you won't,
You think you do, but in reality you don't.

JJ, you inspire me.

2005-11-10T08:02:00.000+08:00

I don't know how you do it... For me, it always seems that there's someone who overcomes the fence simply because it's not feasible for me to avoid them. On the other hand, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I ever really made the fence that high. Whenever I meet someone I'm attracted to, I seem to be pulled along in the ensuing tide of emotions, and then one day I wake up and discover I'm depressed about a guy I can never admit I love to anyone. And then all I can do is weather the storm and wait for it to blow over. Which could take months or even years. And there have been times it has taken that long. Now I'm not the type of person who has a crush on someone every week or something. In the 2 decades of my short life, I've only ever loved 3 guys, all straight.

The first one was my first major crush on a guy... the kind where you'd get butterflies in your stomach whenever the person's around. We were really close too... and in many ways I believe that was something I could've avoided, but didn't want to. We would talk about everything and anything for hours. We'd confide in each other about every little and big thing, and it came to a point when I just wanted to tell him my secret, and I did. He took it very well, better than I had hoped. The fact that I had told him something so deeply personal wasn't lost on him. If anything, it made us closer. He didn't even avoid the issue either-- he used to talk to me about guys and what I was attracted to.

But it was not to last.

I confided in him that I'd had feelings for him in the early stages of our friendship. That he didn't take very well. It's been about 5 years... he hasn't spoken to me since. The funny thing is that I had gotten over him already, and the relationship we had was something I treasured over all others, simply because I had made it past the "selfish love" point, and just loved him as a brother. Or closer than a brother. But that didn't seem to matter. Thus far, I have never had another friendship as close as that one.

Incidentally, he's not a Christian.

The second guy I fell for knows all this, and knows my secret, and also knows I had something for him before. I used to do all sorts of stuff for him, and I sometimes think back and ask myself-- would I have done all that if I hadn't had something for him?

Yes. Yes, I would have.

I didn't mean for him to find out (someone I trusted apparently wasn't so trustworthy), but in the long run, I'm glad he did. He came to terms with it, and our friendship lasted and grew. And he told me once that the reason he got over his homophobia was because he has me as a friend. I really love this guy because he's closer than a brother to me, and I'm glad he's in my life. Thank you, BLYC, for all the support and talks we've had, and I hope to see you soon.

Now this third guy... well, it's an ongoing saga. I cannot deny that I'm already head-over-heels fallen for him. You know, it's weird-- As the years go by, I get wiser and more cynical about things. And I also learn more about love and relationships. I sometimes wonder why I don't avoid the situations with each guy when it seems they can be easily avoided. But you know what? I think it's because I don't believe the attraction by itself is wrong. I already believe in the practice of homosexuality as a sin, something I've no doubt the church would be all too eager to agree on, but I'm not going to say that attraction is lumped in the same category. We cannot control our attractions; we can only control our actions. (Thanx, JJ! It has such a great ring to it. )

And I've discovered that even if I go through days of depression and heartache, loathing and pain... for me it's worth it. For all of those guys. Just to be able to talk with them. Just to be able to see them smile. Just to be able to laugh with them. To simply have had the chance to love them, no holds barred, no strings attached.

And believe it or not, even though I can get angry at God for the pain, I thank Him for it. I thank Him because being this way has taught me so much. I thank Him for the love I have inside for these guys, because even though many would call it wrong, I know that I love them for love's sake. And even if it begins selfishly, it always always grows into unconditional brotherly love, something which I attribute to God's hand. Going through the burning emotions that feel like they're killing me has brought me much needed strength and experience. Because I know throughout my life, I'm going to go through this again and again, and the more I do, the better equipped I'll be. And I praise God because dark valleys inevitably lead upward to mountain-tops, and it's there where I can bask in the glory of God and worship Him for bringing me through. It's there where I can enjoy his presence and love and grace, all to prepare me for the next dark valley.

So, would I have given all this up and avoided these guys if I had known I was going to go through long hard days?

No. Never.

Ever have a reason for the day being lousy, but then u couldn't tell anyone why?

2005-11-09T20:32:00.000+08:00

Today is one of those days. Desiring someone isn't always such a bad thing... Straight people think about people all the time. They confide in their friends about people they have feelings for. They think about these people without any real guilt.

And here I am, thinking about a guy. Wishing things weren't so hard. Wishing I could tell someone how I feel. Simply wishing that it was alright to feel this way, or that I didn't feel this way at all. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone how I feel or why I feel this way. Because talking about it would be wrong. Telling someone I like another guy would be wrong, wouldn't it? Even if it isn't really, who would I tell? Who could I tell that wouldn't think me disgusting or embracing my sin?

Everyone goes by with their notions of what's right and wrong in the church, and how everyone should live their lives. And naturally, they would all probably have preconceived notions of how a gay Christian should live or do. I often imagine myself coming out, and after being accepted by my church (a really big IF), discovering the agreement whenever I tell them I believe homosexuality is wrong. Seeing the nods of approval whenever I deny my thoughts, whenever I say no to that part of me. Feeling the burden of desire in me, and feeling so wrong whenever I'm with these Christians. Sometimes I just want to run away from church, you know? The burden I feel... the underlying disapproval of the Christians at church... The animosity that lurks there, waiting to crash into me should the word ever get out.

And all I want to do is tell someone about the affection I have inside me for another person. I want to say how I feel inside everytime he is around, and the hopes and dreams and worries I have about him. I want to say why I like him, and why I smile everytime he's around. I want to say how he brightens up my day just by talking to me or simply just smiling at me. And I want to tell people why some days seem so long and why I seem so depressed... because I can't have him. Because he's a guy. Deep down inside, I feel myself dying little by little every time I realize I can't have the person I want. And I can't tell anyone.

I have a friend who flirts. And it disgusts me. The shameless charming of women... It's not something he should do, right? But then I wonder... Do I feel this way because I myself can't do it? Would I flirt with guys if it was an option for me?

Straight people have it so easy, they don't even realize. I see the guys around me, talking about girls and getting all down about them. All of them, flirting and thinking about women. What I would give to have that desire for women. What I would give to feel down about a girl and not a guy.

What I would give to be "normal".

Believe it or not, I am a worship leader.

2005-10-31T22:03:00.000+08:00

I'm sure if my church knew I am gay, I bet I'd be pulled out of the ministry faster than you can say "God hates fags."

The funny thing is, I've been leading worship in church and my youth group for the past couple of years. I often imagine the worst-- the church being utterly shocked that a *shudder* homosexual would be allowed into the church and even serve in the worship ministry! That a gay person could serve as a youth leader in the church's youth program! How can this be? He'll screw up our kids! Quick, we must pull them out of that godforsaken youth group!

All this despite the fact that I've been a member of the church for far longer than many of them; my family has been part of the church for four generations, and I've been serving in the church worship ministry for about four years now. Is the worship tainted because a gay person is leading it, despite the fact that said gay person desires to do God's will just as much as anyone else? Is his sin so different and so much worse than those of anyone else who comes to worship God?

I've been an active member of the youth ministry, eventually becoming a leader. So tell me, why should things change if people suddenly find out the truth about me? Will the youths suddenly turn homosexual if they knew the truth? Have I been putting some sort of homosexual propaganda into hidden reservoirs in their minds only for them to be activated if the news got out?

I suppose I would be asked to step down from these ministries to avoid "stumbling people", since not many people are very accepting of a gay person serving in ministry. It's like they're saying "You're gay, and we don't condemn you, but we condemn your sin. Oh, and because you're gay, you can't lead worship or lead our youths because it's not something a homosexual should do."

Well, if you mean that a sinner like me shouldn't be involved in ministry, I'd question the fairness of that statement. It seems that just because my sin is homosexuality (and it seems even just the being is considered the sin, what more the practice), I am lumped into some special, extra-bad category of sin where God's forgiveness and grace don't apply, or at least, applies less than it does for others.

If homosexuality is such a heinous sin, worse and more evil than the other sins, why is it that in the gospels, Jesus does not mention it specifically in his preaching? In terms of the sexual, He talks about lust, and here's a newsflash ladies and gentlemen-- the sin of lust applies to both sexual orientations.

So why the focus on one sin out of many others?

I love being a youth leader because it's where my passion lies. I want to see the youths come to God and experience His presence and power. I want to see them pray and lift high and holy hands in worship to Him. I want to see them do great and mighty things for Him and be used in incredible ways to spread His love.

But apparently all that is for naught because a gay Christian can't have the same dreams as a straight Christian. It's just not right. It's different.

But you know, nothing warms my heart more than to see God's people and youths in worship. To see them totally abandoned to His praise. To watch them as they close their eyes and enjoy His presence as they're filled with it.

But most of all, I love leading worship because it keeps me focused, and it reminds me of who I am in Jesus, and what He's done for me. It's in praise and worship that my perspective gets realigned so that everything is secondary to God, and it's in worship that He reminds me of who He has called me to be-- His servant, His loved one, and most of all, His friend.

Sexuality be damned.

I haven't posted in a while.

2005-10-17T21:55:00.000+08:00

I suppose it's all due to the fact that because I don't embrace the gay side of me, I feel like I have less to talk about. If you asked me why I am in denial about that part of me, I would probably say that it's because I don't want to give it any room to grow. I don't want to acknowledge it because by acknowledging it, I'd be giving it room to grow and justify itself.

On the other hand, it's getting hard to deny myself the reality of the desires that come with that side of me. I'm incessantly turned on by so many things around me. I find that it's becoming more difficult to say no to the desires within me, and I often catch myself fantasizing, or staring at someone I'm drawn toward.

Sometimes I'd like nothing more than to give into my desires. To satisfy my carnal urges. I stare at the object of my desire and notice the little things about him-- the way his hair sways, the way he walks, the way his jeans crease and fold and frame his butt when he moves... the way he laughs at jokes, the things that get him angry...

And oh man, the smile. I melt every single time.

Images of ear-nibbling and neck-kissing and licking dance in my head, with my tongue leading adventurous jaunts around his body, always exploring. Even just holding him would cause my heart to flutter.

And amid it all, I just don't know what to do. I feel like just shrugging everything off and jumping headlong into the reality that tears away at my insides... friends, family and people who judge me be damned. I get all these feelings inside, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to get away. I'm angry, I'm bitter, and I just want someone to tell me it's OK.

Is that so much to ask?

We Christians are such hypocrites. No... actually it's people in general. But Christians bear a bigger responsibility simply because we're called to strive to God's standards. And we fail so many times. But never has there been a bigger example of our failure than the lack of understanding of what it means to be gay and Christian. Or simply gay for that matter.

Everytime I hear a Christian friend make a negative comment about gays, I feel a twinge of annoyance and guilt inside. I often agree, or play the part and say how gross a gay display on TV is, or whatever else I happen to see with my friends. But then, I feel hurt because it's like they're talking about me. I feel bad because I myself am being such a hypocrite.

But what's a guy to do? Being gay and Christian does not ostensibly go together, and I'm often torn between my desire and my faith. I'm pained by what I imagine my friends in church would say if they knew the truth, but at the same time, I'm bitter because a part of myself dares me to try it and tell them... just to test how much they believe what they all say about loving your neighbour.

Then, when they shun me and walk away, I can laugh at them and jeer at them and tell myself I was right about those hypocrites all along. I can tell myself that I didn't really need them anyway, 'cause they're not real friends. Real friends wouldn't walk away. Real friends would support me! Yeah, I'll laugh and I'll sneer and I'll show them their lies.

Because maybe then I can forget that I'm alone.

Kids says the funniest things.

2005-10-07T10:55:00.000+08:00

THE GOOD SAMARITAN....

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them to do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a Telephone pole!"

NOAH
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

DANIEL
A Sunday school teacher was telling the youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. She had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. One little girl started to cry. The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."

The girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get any food."

BIBLICAL KINGS & QUEENS
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

LORDS PRAYER
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"

I was talking with my youth leader yesterday.

2005-10-04T12:21:00.000+08:00

He just came back from some Christian conference... I'm not toally sure what it was about though.

I told him what I've been up to these past few weeks, including the birth of this blog and what I've been reading about what it means to be Christian but gay.

And it was this conversation that got me thinking about my own position about this whole "homosexuality within the church" debate.

For a long time after starting this blog I was confused, more so than I was before I knew about the online gay Christian community. Reading blogs like Eric's and JJ's really showed me that I'm not alone in my struggle and my questions. I'm not alone in my guilt and confusion and despair, in the same way that I'm not alone in my quest to seek what God has in store for my life in spite (or perhaps even because) of my circumstances and my problems with my sexuality.

Before, I used to see homosexuality within the church as an issue separate from myself. There was always an underlying level of denial inherent in my perspective. In discovering gay Christian blogs and the community they belong to, and in starting my own blog, I began to seriously think about what my position on homosexuality is. I began to ask-- How do I feel about myself?

I suppose I would have to fall under Side B-- I believe that sex should be within marriage between a man and a woman. I believe that homosexuality is unnatural. I believe homosexual acts to be wrong.

Moreover, I'm very hesitant to accept that I'm a homosexual. By dictionary definition, I admit that I'm gay, i.e. I'm attracted to other guys. But biblically, I now deny the label of homosexuality on my life. I was thinking about one of the clobber verses, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, which lists the kinds of people who will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Initially, I was torn... If the verse was right, then would that mean that as a homosexual by definition of same-sex attraction, I would not go to Heaven? It seemed so unfair, so final... like there was nothing I could do to change that.

But then I realized that I'd been so fixated on that one word (homosexuals) that I'd totally forgotten to look at the rest. Take 'thieves' for example. If a person who was a thief stops his robbing ways, is he still a thief? In the same way, if I don't engage in homosexual practices, am I still a homosexual? In that sense, I agree with certain translations of the aforementioned verses, such as the NIV which says "homosexual offenders".

So ulitmately, this would mean that I believe in celibacy. I believe that God can do anything, and if God has plans to heal me, then He will. But if His plan calls for me to be celibate for the rest of my life, then I will trust in His purpose.

This does not mean I have not had homosexual experiences before. I would be lying if I denied the fact. But I am still a virgin. And as it stands now, I want to stop whatever I've been doing. I want to put God first. I want to deny myself and turn away from the label of homosexual. I want to follow Christ and do His will.

And no, having had homosexual experiences in the past does not make me revert to being a homosexual . Failure does not equate a return to a previous unsaved state of being. A thief who steals in a moment of weakness does not demonstrate his return to being a thief. Thus, failure to hold to my desire to be celibate does not mean I am a homosexual again (By the way, I'm still talking biblical definition here).

Christ said we are new creations in Him. And because of that declaration, I am allowed to fail. What matters is not the failure, but that I continue my walk with Him no matter how many times I fall.

I was chatting on MSN the other day, just talking to my cousin about his friend's problems and giving him advice about God and stuff like that. The problem of sin is one that we all have to think about, whether we're gay, straight or otherwise. It's something we face everyday, and we have to understand what God wants for us if we are to handle it properly.

I guess the more you know and understand of God, the less you let sins get you down because you know guilt's not the point. Of course, that's not to say you shouldn't care about sins. You should care insofar as caring about trying not to sin is concerned. And that's really hard, because we're all only human.

Paul is a very good example for us. He himself said in 1 Timothy 1:15 that "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all." (I wonder, if Paul was one of the worst sinners, could he have had a problem with homosexual tendencies at one point in his life? Then again, maybe he didn't; I'm pretty sure killing people is a more heinous crime than being a sexual deviant and thus qualifies him to be called the worst.)

Some people may say, "Hey, here's Paul, and he says he is the "foremost" of all sinners! So look, he's still a sinner and doing all those bad things!"

But that's, of course, not true at all. In verse 13, Paul says that Christ saved him and used him as a servant "even though [he] was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor" (Emphasis mine). In verse 15, Paul was claiming to be the foremost inasmuch as the history of his sin and his current possibility of tendency to sin is concerned. We all know how many sins can come back to haunt and tempt us, regardless of how well-intentioned we are.

Moreover, in verse 16, Paul continues, saying, "Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life."

So here we have it-- Paul tells us of Christ's mercy and perfect patience. Mercy and patience that is ever-present for those who do His will and set their hearts on it, despite the danger and possibility of committing a sin due to their weak bodies and natures.

We turn away and fall, and feel all the guilt. Then God tells us it's OK and encourages us to get up and turn to Him again. "Give Me the sin, and keep running the race," He says.

In 2 Corinthians 9:6-8, Pauls says that we should all try our best to do our best; we should do all the good that we know we should do, because God has taught us how to be good people. And God is able to make all grace abound to us-- He can give us the strength and resolve we need to be the best we can be... that we can be ready for every good deed.

Paul also says in Philippians 4:6-8:

⁶Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
⁸Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

So, all we need to do is ask God.

Once I give my anxieties about my sexuality to God in prayer and trust Him to help me, all I have to do is focus on whatever is good. I may fall from time to time in the future, but if I keep my eyes on God, my heart set on His will, and my mind on all things pure and good, I can rest assured that I will always be on the right path in this race, regardless of my sexual circumstances.

No doubt there will be times when I fail. But I've learnt that you should never let sin make you give up. 'Cause that's what Satan wants-- All he is trying to do is make you give up. He knows that once you want to go back to God, you can because he knows that God's love knows no limit. Satan's ultimate agenda is to make you lose hope and stay down when you've fallen.

Cause that's when he can build on his work. Defeat is the one of the foundations on which he builds his evil. Defeat is what empowers the other evils. If you keep hope and faith, then whatever gets you down is thrown off easier because you have God reminding you that it's not over.

But once you give up and stay fallen, then the sin and evil just keep piling on. It's like falling down and getting dirt shovelled on top of you-- the best way to get it off is to stand up and keep running... if you stay down, you'll risk getting buried.

Peter said it best in 1 Peter 5:6-10:

⁶Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,
⁷casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.
⁸Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
⁹But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.
¹⁰After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

Amen to that.

I'm very much still in the closet.

2005-10-01T09:30:00.000+08:00

The fear of people knowing my secret, especially in church. I don't know how people would react, you know? Even those I call my friends-- What would they say? Can I really trust them?

I suppose really trusting people is something many find hard. We find it hard to trust others, because as we grow older, we experience things that make us all cynical. Basically, people are paranoid. We hear about all the evil and pain in the world, and we think that the only way to avoid being subject to it is to keep away from it. So we don't trust people. And even in church, where we're meant to find safety within a family of believers, we are fearful of the judgement. Often the condemnation can come from those who are supposed to love you the most.

Trusting others in the church is especially hard for anyone who's been burnt before. If they've been hurt by a Christian brother or someone else who was close, they feel betrayed. They feel more paranoid than they did before. They suddenly think, "Oh God... if someone who I know so well can be like this, what about all those other people I don't know so well, or am bound to meet in the future?"

So they decide to be cautious. They'll be more careful, and this deprives them of incredible friendships that they could experience and benefit from.

Now, of course they aren't exactly wrong from acting so. I mean, this world and this society has rammed down our throats the idea that people are insane. People are crazy, people are bad, people are sick. And all that is hammered home by all the things happening around us, e.g.:

"This girl was raped by some guy she met in an Internet chatroom who claimed that he too was 12 years old and that he wanted them to meet so they could bitch about their parents to each other."

"This man killed his wife, his best friend and himself after finding his best friend in bed with her."

It's stuff like this that makes us think that people are nuts. So we go through our daily lives guarded and suspicious. The paranoia even follows us into the church... "What if this guy turns out to be some lunatic axe-murderer?" Ok, that's harsh. "...but what if he's just pretending to be a nice guy and wants to use me?"

Sure, we do trust the occasional person, but not totally. There's always something secret, something dark, that we keep hidden. Another hidden part of ourselves that we guard in shame and fear. We don't think they would understand. We think maybe they'll judge us, and perhaps even dislike us for it. We're afraid of being an outcast, thrown out of the church environment forever, never fitting in. Amidst all this fear of being an outcast, there's the fear of losing our friends. We're afraid we'll be alone.

In reality, we're being selfish, because we are judging our friends! We judge them to be people who will hate us just because of something we've done, or some trait we have. We think they are narrow-minded. In actual fact, we think they have the capability to be such bastards because they can have the ability to hate us for discovering something about us, despite the fact that the friendship might have existed long before the discovery.

"Who do they think they are? Who are they to judge me?! They don't even really know me! I don't need them!!"

You see, what we don't realise is that we don't really know anything about them, in the same way that we think they don't know much about us. And why is that?

Because we don't trust.

How do we remedy this? How do we get out of this paranoid rut where we are unable to see the good in people? I'll tell you how:

We just trust. Plain and simple. We learn to trust people. If you feel that someone you know is close to you, and you enjoy that person's company and friendship, then by all means trust him/her. Of course the risk of being burnt is present. It always is. But you may discover something so incredible that you wonder how you ever got by without it. You'll have found a friend. Someone who you can trust with your very life. Sadly enough, total trust is almost non-existent today. I myself can only admit to totally trusting maybe just two people. Three at best.

Why is this, you ask?

Because I'm a paranoid freak. Because I'm exactly what I've said... just like many others out there, I pre-judge my friends. I so want to trust them; there are so many of my friends I want to tell my secret to, that perhaps we could become closer friends, that we could become brothers/sisters like Christ intended.

But I can't. I doubt they'd understand. I doubt they'd see my side of it, and that they'd be close-minded and hateful. Why the hell can't I trust them?! Am I really this judgemental? My friends can't really be that bad! What the blazes is wrong with me?

Nothing. I'm just human.

I had a dream this morning.

2005-09-30T15:55:00.000+08:00

A wet dream to be exact, right before I woke up. And it's been haunting me all day.

It has brought out old pangs of desire for a guy (amongst others) that I know I could never have, if for no other reason than the fact that I would never try anything. I know that wet dreams aren't a sin because they cannot be controlled... or can they?

What's strange is that in these dreams, I often have the feeling of choice. In that place between sleep and waking, there's a part of me that is conscious of the real world, a part that knows I'm dreaming. And it is in that consciousness that I am seemingly able to control what I do in these dreams.

Although they're just dreams, are they still sins?

Either way, the desire is real. The people are also often real. And even if my ostensible ability of choice in these dreams isn't considered a sin, it still affects my thought-life. I yearn for people that I shouldn't. It causes emotions in me of love and desire that I have no suitable outlet for.

What's a guy to do?

This, of course, leads to the topic of masturbation, which in itself brings a lot of controversy. Masturbation is closely tied with lust, and lusting after someone is a sin; Jesus was crystal on that point (Matthew 5:27-28). And masturbation is definitely a sexual act of sorts. But say you remove the fantasy factor and all you've got left is the physical act of self-stimulation. Is it then a sin in itself? If it is, where in the Bible does it say so? The Bible does not mention it outright. If it was a sin, then it's a sin that has the highest fail rate for Christians. If this was the case, wouldn't God have been more clear about a sin of this magnitude?

Would it still be a sin if one was able to self-stimulate without fantasy, impossible as it may seem? Or if fantasy and masturbation were indeed inextricably linked, would fantasizing about a fictitious character that does not exist still be sinful?

If we remove lust from the picture, could it be perhaps that masturbation is not inherently a sin, and that it is actually one of those ways that God provides for us to escape from the temptation to engage in sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 10:13)? On the other hand, if that was the case, would God really provide a means of escape which is so seemingly conducive to another great pitfall, i.e. lust?

Questions, questions. And the dream's still in mind.

Who am I?

2005-09-29T19:18:00.000+08:00

I remember my first year in primary school. Primary One was such an adventure, and so full of possibility. I remember walking into the classroom so apprehensive, and yet so full of anticipation of what lay before me. All the things to learn, and all the friends to be made.

I was placed in a seat beside a Eurasian kid. He was pretty friendly, and I remember thinking to myself, "He's cute."

Thus began my journey into deviance, although I didn't know it then. The path I would walk and the experiences that would follow would forever scar and shape me.

I was born into a Christian family. I remember the Sunday mornings when my dad would drag me out of bed and coax me into going to church. I loved church and Sunday School. I learnt so much about God and what He was all about. After Sunday School, I graduated to my church's youth group, and it was an exhilirating experience. Over the years, I became more self-aware and the realization that I had a hand in my own future hit me.

It was then that I left. By then I had already been in denial about my sexuality for quite a while. I knew the attractions and the desires. But I ignored them in hopes that they would go away.

Futile hopes. Hopes that did nothing to quell the overwhelming truth that finally came crashing through the dam of pretense.

The truth that I'm gay.

The years I spent away from God were spent finding myself. I tried many things with many people, and it always ended up leaving me empty and wanting more. Exploring my sexuality was always a forbidden pastime, done behind closed doors with curious others who I hoped would never breathe a word beyond them.

I may have left God, but perhaps God never left me. I always had my Christian upbringing in the back of my mind, and the things I had learnt as a child. There was always a small feeling, telling me I had to come back.

And years later, I did.

I rejoined my youth group as a leader, and the main leader of my youth group knows my secret and encourages me constantly. In the time since, I've learnt so much about God, Jesus and what it means to be Christian. But the thing that has weighed on me the most - beyond all the fears of being found out, above all the guilt that I have had on me for my sins, throughout all the years - has been the fact that I'm lonely.

I have no one else to talk to. No one else who understands. No one who can sit with me and counsel me and tell me everything's going to be OK and that they know my pain.

No one. And yet, it is this burden that has strengthened me time and time again. It is this isolation that has taught me to rely on Jesus for strength. It is this burden that God has called me to endure that has been my teacher all these years.

As I learn more and more each day about what it means to be Christian and gay, I discover bit by bit what God's plan is for my life. 'Cause I figure that worrying about my sexuality won't help me; it's out of my hands. Killing myself inside everyday with guilt and self-admonition will do nothing except stunt my spiritual growth. It'll only take away my focus from holding on to my faith in my Saviour, denying myself, carrying the cross He's called me to, and doing His will.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it? Doing His will. Get that right, and I got nothing to worry about, gay or not. I'm a new creation in Jesus, and some introductions are in order.

"Hi, I'm a Christian. Oh, and I'm gay... but that's only temporary."