Who am I?

I remember my first year in primary school. Primary One was such an adventure, and so full of possibility. I remember walking into the classroom so apprehensive, and yet so full of anticipation of what lay before me. All the things to learn, and all the friends to be made.

I was placed in a seat beside a Eurasian kid. He was pretty friendly, and I remember thinking to myself, "He's cute."

Thus began my journey into deviance, although I didn't know it then. The path I would walk and the experiences that would follow would forever scar and shape me.

I was born into a Christian family. I remember the Sunday mornings when my dad would drag me out of bed and coax me into going to church. I loved church and Sunday School. I learnt so much about God and what He was all about. After Sunday School, I graduated to my church's youth group, and it was an exhilirating experience. Over the years, I became more self-aware and the realization that I had a hand in my own future hit me.

It was then that I left. By then I had already been in denial about my sexuality for quite a while. I knew the attractions and the desires. But I ignored them in hopes that they would go away.

Futile hopes. Hopes that did nothing to quell the overwhelming truth that finally came crashing through the dam of pretense.

The truth that I'm gay.

The years I spent away from God were spent finding myself. I tried many things with many people, and it always ended up leaving me empty and wanting more. Exploring my sexuality was always a forbidden pastime, done behind closed doors with curious others who I hoped would never breathe a word beyond them.

I may have left God, but perhaps God never left me. I always had my Christian upbringing in the back of my mind, and the things I had learnt as a child. There was always a small feeling, telling me I had to come back.

And years later, I did.

I rejoined my youth group as a leader, and the main leader of my youth group knows my secret and encourages me constantly. In the time since, I've learnt so much about God, Jesus and what it means to be Christian. But the thing that has weighed on me the most - beyond all the fears of being found out, above all the guilt that I have had on me for my sins, throughout all the years - has been the fact that I'm lonely.

I have no one else to talk to. No one else who understands. No one who can sit with me and counsel me and tell me everything's going to be OK and that they know my pain.

No one. And yet, it is this burden that has strengthened me time and time again. It is this isolation that has taught me to rely on Jesus for strength. It is this burden that God has called me to endure that has been my teacher all these years.

As I learn more and more each day about what it means to be Christian and gay, I discover bit by bit what God's plan is for my life. 'Cause I figure that worrying about my sexuality won't help me; it's out of my hands. Killing myself inside everyday with guilt and self-admonition will do nothing except stunt my spiritual growth. It'll only take away my focus from holding on to my faith in my Saviour, denying myself, carrying the cross He's called me to, and doing His will.

And that's what it's all about, isn't it? Doing His will. Get that right, and I got nothing to worry about, gay or not. I'm a new creation in Jesus, and some introductions are in order.

"Hi, I'm a Christian. Oh, and I'm gay... but that's only temporary."

2 comments :: Who am I?

  1. This is a great step you're taking in creating this blog! I look forward to hearing more of your story. Know that you are not alone in this. Together, we are a community of believers on the same or similar journey of exploring what it looks like to live out our faith as the people we are - both Christian and gay.

    You put it well in reiterating the truth that we are a new creation in Jesus. Let us remember to place our identity in Christ first and foremost. Everything else is absolutely a component of who we are (which we cannot ignore) but always secondary to Him who died for us. We are a community of Christ-centered people who are also gay. Let's journey together as we explore what this looks like!

    Two World Collision

  2. Thanx a lot Eric! It's gonna be quite a journey... I look forward to seeing more of it.