Reminiscing future

Conversations with old friends.

Wistful, carefree, but troubling, if only because we see change,

Mayhap good, often not so.

The fallibility of all, so evident in its persistent pervasiveness of people,

That it leaves no stone unturned, no rock unmoved, no character unblemished, no spirit unbroken.

No faith untorn.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen, that those we hold in such regard would find themselves in the fall,

To know the depths at which they sink, could and would and have.

Look in the mirror of their faces, and see the apparition of ourselves staring back,

Love in its smile, death in its eyes.

The pedestal is high, which, in seeing the idol violently descend,

We realize isn't fit for anyone to grace save for Grace Himself.

For He is able to remain steadfast in the malevolent storms we as our own gods create in ignorance to destroy ourselves.

The veil was rent only to be restored by hands that would claw at it,

Bloody, rampant, desperate, blinded.

The choice remains ours, as it ever was, and for now, still is.

Are we to meet death on our own terms, or His?

That we, that you, that I would choose to die by, for, with, and in GRACE and not apart from it.

That perchance, when we gods die, He will bring dLeIaFtEh.

New post coming soon.

Hopefully.

Time to revive this blog some.

Smile

Was at the supermarket just now with my mom and brother. I walked past a bakery, and noticed some promotional sign and pointed it out to my mom.

That was when I noticed a cute guy staring at me. We made eye contact and I noticed he had a coy smile on his face.

I didn't really think too much of it at first, and looked away. Two seconds later I looked back, and he was still staring, still with the smile. I held his gaze for a few seconds, then looked away again. It was almost as if he knew me. Or wanted something from me. Or both.

That really got my mind churning. It's not everyday I get to meet eyes with a good-looking guy. It's even less common that that guy will stare at me with the same look Bakery Guy had. Even if it was really nothing at all, it still made my heart flutter.

It made me wish I really could live out that adventure of a romantic rendezvous with someone. To meet someone in the most unlikely of places and have something spark from there. I start thinking back to a few hours ago and wondered what would have happened if I'd held eye contact with Bakery Guy longer. If only I had smiled back.

I should've smiled back.

Odds and ends

As a gay Christian guy, falling in love is an odd pitfall.

On one hand, the whole emotional, mental and physical effect it has on you is the same as with anyone else-- your heart flutters when you see that special someone, your mind is filled with thoughts of him, and every time you see him it puts a smile on your face.

On the other hand, it's a draining process when you're constantly faced with the juxtaposition of your God-grounded faith with your God-given desire to love and be loved in return. This juxtaposition has totally different levels of meaning when seen in the light of the "gay issue".

So here I am, kinda over him. Hardly even see him nowadays, and when I do, there's not much yearning. So I guess the cycle of "longing and moving past" is over. I wonder when the next one will hit. I do dread it because it'll mean more depression, more paranoia, more guilt.

But on some level, I miss it. I miss the butterflies in my stomach and the mind-addling euphoria that comes with the simplest of gestures or the tiniest moments of eye contact.

I dread it, but miss it. There's a juxtaposition for you.

Skirting the abyss

I had a close call the other day.

To cut a long story short (and omit any potentially incriminating details), a friend was staying over at my place, and it was late. About midnight. He was tired and had gone to bed. Which was, incidentally, not two feet away from where I was sitting, surfing the 'net. He stirred a bit, and I glanced at him.

"Look at him," said the Dark Passenger. "Doesn't he look hot?"

I was silent, not wanting to reply. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"Sure, try and ignore me. You and I both know what you really want. Plus you're still staring."

I turned back to my laptop hurriedly. Surf, damn you! Focus on the screen!

"Take a gander, boy. Feast your eyes. Just a tiny look," the Dark Passenger crooned.

I could almost see the devious smile on his face. I turned back, and looked again. Watched the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. Watched the curve of his body as he breathed. My eyes moved lower. Staring at the most forbidden of places, the whole time my mind screamed at me to turn away, to say no, to do anything but doom myself, to not give in to the Passenger's silky smooth whispers winding their way into my mind and enticing my libido.

"Reach. Reach and touch. Caress. Give in," he whispered, almost hissing.

I reached. The air in which my hand moved felt like an infinite space, and every pounding heartbeat throbbed in my temples and made my head spin. I reached. Felt fabric. Heat.

And jerked my hand back. I shut my eyes.

Jesus, help me. Help me to say no. Help me to fight it. Don't let him take over. If possible, let him pass me by. God! Please help me. I don't want to do this.

And God did. And I didn't.

Confidence

I just told another friend about being gay. It's always a good experience when your friend accepts you.

We've been discussing my past posts, and the journey I've had. And I realize that looking back on this old blog, I've written quite a whole lot... and maybe it's not ready to be left behind quite yet. The other blog was quiet, and almost lonely. It wasn't always the best place to vent my thoughts, seeing as how it felt almost like it had become a place saved for negative and unhealthy thoughts. 

Odd Psalms, on the other hand, has always been a catharsis of sorts, a place where I could hear thoughts from different people; it has always been a blog which, with the knowledge that there were certain eyes on it, was always a place of honesty despite the constant constraints I place on myself (which turned out for good, though not always obvious at the time).

So I think I should give this old place another try.

Moving

To all readers of this blog--

I am moving to a new blog. I make this decision because Odd Psalms has lost its purpose for me as a place to express myself and my thoughts. There are too many people that are close to me that read this blog, and as such, my anonymity has been compromised. Suffice to say that there are some thoughts in my head that I would rather only strangers read.

So if you are still interested in reading, please feel free to e-mail me at oddpsalms (at) gmail.com and I'll give you the new url.