I'm very much still in the closet.

The fear of people knowing my secret, especially in church. I don't know how people would react, you know? Even those I call my friends-- What would they say? Can I really trust them?

I suppose really trusting people is something many find hard. We find it hard to trust others, because as we grow older, we experience things that make us all cynical. Basically, people are paranoid. We hear about all the evil and pain in the world, and we think that the only way to avoid being subject to it is to keep away from it. So we don't trust people. And even in church, where we're meant to find safety within a family of believers, we are fearful of the judgement. Often the condemnation can come from those who are supposed to love you the most.

Trusting others in the church is especially hard for anyone who's been burnt before. If they've been hurt by a Christian brother or someone else who was close, they feel betrayed. They feel more paranoid than they did before. They suddenly think, "Oh God... if someone who I know so well can be like this, what about all those other people I don't know so well, or am bound to meet in the future?"

So they decide to be cautious. They'll be more careful, and this deprives them of incredible friendships that they could experience and benefit from.

Now, of course they aren't exactly wrong from acting so. I mean, this world and this society has rammed down our throats the idea that people are insane. People are crazy, people are bad, people are sick. And all that is hammered home by all the things happening around us, e.g.:

"This girl was raped by some guy she met in an Internet chatroom who claimed that he too was 12 years old and that he wanted them to meet so they could bitch about their parents to each other."

"This man killed his wife, his best friend and himself after finding his best friend in bed with her."

It's stuff like this that makes us think that people are nuts. So we go through our daily lives guarded and suspicious. The paranoia even follows us into the church... "What if this guy turns out to be some lunatic axe-murderer?" Ok, that's harsh. "...but what if he's just pretending to be a nice guy and wants to use me?"

Sure, we do trust the occasional person, but not totally. There's always something secret, something dark, that we keep hidden. Another hidden part of ourselves that we guard in shame and fear. We don't think they would understand. We think maybe they'll judge us, and perhaps even dislike us for it. We're afraid of being an outcast, thrown out of the church environment forever, never fitting in. Amidst all this fear of being an outcast, there's the fear of losing our friends. We're afraid we'll be alone.

In reality, we're being selfish, because we are judging our friends! We judge them to be people who will hate us just because of something we've done, or some trait we have. We think they are narrow-minded. In actual fact, we think they have the capability to be such bastards because they can have the ability to hate us for discovering something about us, despite the fact that the friendship might have existed long before the discovery.

"Who do they think they are? Who are they to judge me?! They don't even really know me! I don't need them!!"

You see, what we don't realise is that we don't really know anything about them, in the same way that we think they don't know much about us. And why is that?

Because we don't trust.

How do we remedy this? How do we get out of this paranoid rut where we are unable to see the good in people? I'll tell you how:

We just trust. Plain and simple. We learn to trust people. If you feel that someone you know is close to you, and you enjoy that person's company and friendship, then by all means trust him/her. Of course the risk of being burnt is present. It always is. But you may discover something so incredible that you wonder how you ever got by without it. You'll have found a friend. Someone who you can trust with your very life. Sadly enough, total trust is almost non-existent today. I myself can only admit to totally trusting maybe just two people. Three at best.

Why is this, you ask?

Because I'm a paranoid freak. Because I'm exactly what I've said... just like many others out there, I pre-judge my friends. I so want to trust them; there are so many of my friends I want to tell my secret to, that perhaps we could become closer friends, that we could become brothers/sisters like Christ intended.

But I can't. I doubt they'd understand. I doubt they'd see my side of it, and that they'd be close-minded and hateful. Why the hell can't I trust them?! Am I really this judgemental? My friends can't really be that bad! What the blazes is wrong with me?

Nothing. I'm just human.