Been reading some.

This article is just... wow. Everything I believe about my situation and my current struggles with faith, that article seems to talk about.

I can totally identify with Buddy. Somehow I wish I'd known him. He would've been an inspiration.

But the most recent bit of wisdom that has hit me is JJ's latest post where she says that if asked whether she would want to be straight, she'd probably say no. She then explains why:

And that “no” is not because I have anything against being straight, or even that I think that “God made me this way”, but because I think that if I were to suddenly become straight, I would end up being a completely different person. Being gay is such a central part of me (just like being straight is central to any straight person) that if that were to be removed, I have no idea what would be left. I can’t even say that I wish I could go back to the beginning of my life and just be straight from then on, because I don’t know what that would look like, and I have no idea what that version of me would want at all.

My sentiments exactly. I used to wish God would make me straight... but now I know that if He did, I'd be a completely different person. If I were to start over straight, I know that things would turn out totally different, and my life now would also be very different. I do not blame God for what I am, but I believe He has shaped me and molded me with the things that has happened in my life, and to say I would go back and do it all over again a different way would mean negating all the good He has wrought out of the bad. I believe He has a plan for me the way I am now, and until He wants to change me, I will be happy the way I am.

JJ's post and the article I mentioned above have opened my eyes to a new line of thought; insofar as my identity goes, I no longer want to be straight. Being gay is part of who I am. Not that I'm accepting that practicing homosexuality is OK. Far from it-- I will live for Christ according to what He has called me to in His Word, and I believe a life of celibacy is part of my path. But I know that no amount of meditation, Bible study, therapy, or even prayer can change my sexual orientation. Only God can change me, and even then, only through a miracle.

But ultimately, I leave it in God's hands. Like I said to a friend of mine, if it is in the will of God to work a miracle in my life, then I want to submit to Him. But even if He doesn't, I will not compromise my faith, and I will never give up.

Oh, and I'm an advocating analyst.