A Park Bench

I sat on a park bench one day. And I asked God for a sign.
I thought maybe God would hear me, mold me, bring healing sublime.
'Please change me,' I said, commanding the void.
That these hardships I could get over, get past, and perhaps stop being annoyed.

'Why?' I heard a voice beside me ask.
Like a voice from my future, yet with a foot in my past.
It was an old man, silver-haired, genteel.
It was odd, surreal, and I cannot begin to describe the way his stare made me feel.
About him was the scent of old spice.
But overall, he seemed cordial, polite, approachable. Overall, very nice.

'Eh?' I said, eyebrows raised.
'Well, because I want to be better than I am, better in so many ways."
He looked at me now.
'Better how?'

I was unsure as to how much I wanted to share.
I decided there was no harm in being frank, no harm in being bare.
He just looked on, a knowing twinkle in his eye.
Total strangers, total confidence, no point in building the lie.

'I'm gay,' I said curtly. 'And I want to be straight.'
'I see,' he nodded, with no semblance of hate.

But surely his eyes hid the fire of hatred, surely his smile masked the fog of distrust?
Surely he felt nothing but contempt and disgust?
His smile did not waver, his blue eyes stayed cordial.
But surely his tongue stored the diatribe primordial?

'So tell me' he said, 'Why ask for this?'
His expression showed wonderment at something amiss.
And here I expected a self-righteous speech.
But there was no propaganda, no lectures, no holier-than-thou lesson to teach.

I moved past surprise, though he stayed at pensive.
I looked at him squarely, my reply apprehensive.
'Who would want to be different? Who would want to be hated?'
I wanted for an answer, whilst he simply waited.

'All I want is simply to be changed,
That if God wanted to, it could all be arranged.'
The old man then got this look in his eye.
He stared into the distance, a faraway look. And then gave an almost inaudible sigh.

'My boy, are you sure you want what you think you do?
That to be better off, you'd have to begin anew?
Are you sure this would be the best course of action?
Has your life through these trials not improved by even a fraction?
Take some time and just think on your life.
Has it really been just all darkness and strife?
Has not God used all the hurt and pain, the hardships, the trials, the storm and the rain?
Has He not used your experiences to bring you great friends, and people who look past the fact that you're gay?
Has he not brought you to where you are today?

You say 'Oh, to be straight, if only this God would allow!'
If He did, would you have all the joys you have now?
Would you be the same person you have grown up to be?
Would you recognize yourself? Would your friends? Would anybody?'

The old man looked at me, smiled and stood.
'God knew you before you knew yourself, and whatever He has brought you through has been done for your good.
Remember this truth, and put God first each and every day.'
And with that, the old man walked away.

I thought about what the old gentleman had said.
I thought about my life behind and my life ahead.
And I thanked the Lord for all he had done,
For blessing upon blessing, a million and one.
I thanked Him for helping me grow up so well,
For picking me up whenever I fell.

You see, I had wanted to talk with God so bad.
And then I realized something.

I just had.