OK, maybe not a lot, but when I do it's mostly about how I fit in the congregation. Been reading this, and I found myself nodding along. We all have our vices and problems, but it seems that mine would be singled out as worse than everyone else's. But it's not worse than everyone else's. And I realized that even I find that this sin is ostensibly worse than the rest. It's the ingrained unspoken stigma of the "G" word. You just feel it's wrong to be gay. Whether or not it actually is-- well, that's a moot point.Sometimes I wish I could just give into my desires. Then again, in this country that would make things a lot more difficult than keeping it a secret. But what's the alternative? Life-long celibacy? God himself said in Genesis that it's not good for man to be alone. I suppose God might grant the spiritual gift of celibacy to some, but I doubt I have it. I want to be in a meaningful relationship. I want to have kids. I want someone to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse.
I just want to love, and not be condemned for it.
I find myself specifically questioning the church's failure (or rather, avoidance) in the issue of homosexuality. Though sometimes I find myself wondering whether the seeming lack of homosexuality in my church is because no one would ever come out and admit it.
Somehow I'm sure I'm not the only person in my church that struggles with this problem. I can't be..... can I?
Ash, my brother, I am RIGHT THERE with you. I've had every one of those thoughts. Every single one.
I love reading your blog. Keep writing.
Anonymous
3:01 AMNo, you can't. I'm sure there is at least one other member of your church who has similar feelings regarding the "G" word. The hard part, that I have found, is knowing that even if there are other members in my church who have struggled with this in the past, or continue to struggle with it, the ability to bring that into the open and discuss it is virtually impossible thanks to the unspoken stigma.
I often think of what I could do to just open that door a hint... maybe post a piece of paper on the bulletin board that only a person in my situation might really read and understand, along with an anonymous contact email... but even then, if other members found out what it really meant, I'm sure there'd be some "interesting" discussion in the church.
Anonymous
8:46 AMIndeed, the rhetoric and the reality do not match up. My own church teaches that re-marriage under any circumstance is a sin, but it still allows membership and communion to these couples "living in adultery." To borrow from C.S. Lewis, the treatment of homosexuality by society is less about sin and morality than personal revulsion. Interestingly enough, this theory was researched by studying brain activity when deciding moral issues. They found that the brain utilizes the imagination and some emotion centers even when deciding abstract moral issues. Further studies indicate that we are probably a lot less rational than we would like to believe.
In any case, I am rambling. My church would probably toss me for admitting my orientation, so I doubt arguing culture norms and whether all forms of homosexuality are sinful would help me out. I have already received a talk regarding an off-hand remark about how old the universe is and how amazing its scope. Still, be glad evolution did not come up, or the more conservative members would be tossing me out for a different kind of biological heresy.
Anonymous
9:31 PMOh, I'm sure you're not the only gay person at your church. I thought I was the only gay person at my church until quite recently when I began to have "suspicions"... and then one of my pastors (who knows about me) told me that there was at least one other person who has come out to her... and if there are the two of us, then there are probably more.
JJ
1:01 PMthe more you and I and all of us talk about this complex and often confusing journey, the more people come out of the woodwork to share about how they relate in one way or another. there are so many of us out there! let's keep sharing our stories and our struggles so that God can speak to and through us all in this ongoing dialogue that connects each of us across the world! =)
bless you Ash!
Eric
TWC
Eric
8:53 AM