My pee smells like coffee.

That's what you get from drinking 2 cups of espresso, I guess. As a result, my mind is churning, full of thoughts. Mindless thoughts. Heavy thoughts. Thoughts of action and consequence. Thoughts of life and faith and direction.

I know that the most important thing for me to do amidst the mental chaos is to let go and to cling to God. To hang on to Him and ask to be pulled out from the mire. And yet, I feel like just turning and walking away. I know I should run to Him, but I feel like running the other way.

There's something about being in a vice that pulls you in. You know the direction you're going, and you know what you could do to stop it, and yet you do nothing. You go with the flow, and let the current take you. You're not helpless, but you act like you are. You give in to the many clawed hands of depravity and iniquity, simply because you don't want to fight. Or maybe it's just an escape? But an escape from what? From God? From the world?

Or from yourself?

And while you're in deep, there's always a small glimmer of hope that you cling to. That maybe it would pull you out. I've been listening to David Crowder Band's latest CD, and there's one song called Rescue Is Coming. This is my hope. This is my foothold on the precipice that I hold on to, afraid to look down, not for fear of seeing what the chasm holds, but for fear that in seeing what lies beneath, I might choose to let go and fall.

There's a darkness in my skin
My cover's wearing thin, I believe
I'd love to start again, go back to innocent
And never leave

Don't give up now
A break in the clouds
We could be found

There's nothing wrong with me
It's just that I believe things could get better
And there's nothing wrong with love
I think it's just enough to believe

And there's nothing wrong with you
And nothing left to do
But believe something bigger
And there's nothing wrong with love
I know it's just enough to believe

Rescue is coming

"And while we yet were sinners, Christ died for us. He did not leave us alone. He stepped into our condition to bring us back to God. To bring us back to what was intended. The divine, bearing all of depravity. The most horrific of collisions. The most tragic and beautiful. The breaking is glorious and loud. We have won. It might not feel like it. You might not see it just yet. But the reality of our situation is that rescue is present. Every second of life is spent in the very presence of God. There is not a second of human history that he has not been present. Majesty is here. And it is coming. Finally. Just be quiet. And wait."

- David Crowder