I look at this photo, and it stirs something deep inside me. Something raw. Something I've suppressed ever since I can remember realizing that I'm different from other guys.
This is what I want. I want to feel so much of that passion that I have never allowed myself to feel for all these years. I want to express myself and all I have within me. I want to tell people what I go through everyday and not be condemned and judged and hated. I want to pour out my heart because I have all these feelings and emotions that can't be accepted, and it builds up within me and begins to burn as anger.
Do you know what it's like? That impossible anger strangling your grief, until the memory of your loved one is just poison in your veins, and one day you catch yourself wishing the person you love had never existed, so you'd be spared your pain.
But in the end, I just want to love and be loved by that person.
And God would call me to deny myself that?
I just don't understand.
To all my straight friends, you have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what it means to love someone and know that you can't ever be with that person or tell that person how you feel. To know that you can't tell anyone how you feel, and all you can do is hold it inside and let it eat away at you. To love someone and know that no one would ever accept your love or even try to understand the concept of it. To be so in love and yet so lost because of it. I scorn you and your claims that love is hard. You know nothing. You have no idea what hard means.
Why, God? Why can't I love like everyone else? Why do they get to be "normal" and be able to love who they want? Why do they get to have it easy?
Why?
How long must I deny myself? How long before you pull me from this ungodly existence?
How long?
I remember someone telling me.."what make makes you think that you're the only one capable of loving?"
Having the capability to love is also the capability to hate. And although it seems straight guys don't understand the struggles you face... doesn't mean they don't struggle any less. Although it seems permissible to love "normally"... but it would be selfish to think you're the only one finding "sexuality" hard.
But.. your writing is your cry... and your cry is your prayer to God. God hears the cries of all those who call on Him and He beckons for them to draw closer to Him. Did He not know denial? Did He not know shame? Did He not know what abandonment is? Was He not where you are... alone, naked... scorned and unloved? Wasn't it for this reason He died... to tell you, 'I Love You'..? It was you in His thoughts. You are His passion.
Anonymous
12:38 PMThe point isn't love or the capability of love. It is the nature of love and the acceptability of that love. Straight guys always talk about how hard it is to love someone who doesn't feel the same way. And they assume they know what difficulty means.
But how can you find sexuality hard if your desires are normal? How can you find sexuality hard if you've never questioned your own?
Your problems are not in sexuality, but in the willpower it takes to control yourself. Your problems may be those of self-control or lust, and although those issues may be similar to what I face, you do not have the added hardship of knowing that your desires in themselves are "not right". You may love someone you shouldn't, but in the end, that love, that attraction itself is not something labelled evil and wrong and "unnatural". You do not have the added limitation of never being able to express yourself to anyone.
And as for what God knows... I often wonder, did God himself ever feel homosexual love?
Ash
4:39 PMYou said:
"Your problems are not in sexuality, but in the willpower it takes to control yourself. Your problems may be those of self-control or lust, and although those issues may be similar to what I face, you do not have the added hardship of knowing that your desires in themselves are "not right". You may love someone you shouldn't, but in the end, that love, that attraction itself is not something labelled evil and wrong and "unnatural"."
I agree to some extend and in no way trying to change your mind in the way you feel because that is important. However, as you yourself have mentioned in previous blog "NO EXCUSE"... valid as there are, we often find ourselves going back into the "closet" we had tried to venture from... trusting God would fend for us.
God having homosexual feelings... hmm.. that does makes you think. However, He condemned the sin of practicing it. What I know God's love is, is pure and right.. beyond sexuality and the physical desires. He loves the unloved... even loves the homosexuals.
I personally believe that all sins committed hetrosexually, homosexually and bi-sexually are of the same catergory. Though 1 of 3 are more exceptable to ppl... God distinguishes none. However, He continues to love. The church is wrong to address only homosexuality... and not the rest. And I think the in the heart of it all, God isn't pleased with partiality.
Sure, your friends may not understand... but its also unfair to place such expectations and judgement on them. They won't and might not understand you (but they can when given a chance). They do face their own challenges.. in their own capabilities. I believe internalizing the issue has caused you more pain. Obviously the thought that any of the church leaders are able to help is pretty far fetch. "They just don't understand!" But, I believe that has changed a lot in more recent times. With the awareness to gay-leaders around the world within the church. It has cause quite a stir, but the church needs to know that there are needs out there. Special needs.
I heard that "healing starts when the patient states what the problem is and where it is." Of course, in this case you may need a counsellor to discuss your issues with him/her. I know this is hard. Please don't start running into the "closet" in self-pity. I may not be of great help, but I hope my support will be of some assistance.
God Bless! I'll be praying for you!
Anonymous
9:50 AMI feel you, Ash, wanting to love and be loved. I've actually heard that defined by some trite people as the true meaning of life, and while it think that might be...well, trite, I do think that that is one of the major blessings God has given to humanity. But, frustratingly, He may have decided to deny that pleasure for a small segment of us.
Oh, I know, I can love my family, I can love my friends... but when God said that it wasn't good for Adam to be alone, He didn't make a buddy for him, he made a partner. There is something very basic and integral to what it is to be human in the desire for a mate, a partner, for romantic love, and to insist that we just deny that seems inhumane to me. I say that fully aware that I have just called God inhumane, but I don't know how else to describe it.
JJ
10:02 PMAt risk of sounding like a totally obsessed fan, I need to say "I love your blog."
I relate to nearly all of it. You capture things in words and pictures that have merely floated around in my mind, ideas that I find so painful or so odd or so 'out-of-the-hetero-norm' that I push them away. Thank you, Ash, for being my voice when I myself could not speak.
That picture speaks to me too in ways that looking at a man and woman kiss never has. I am stirred, I am moved, and yet I don't understand it nor am I even completely comfortable with it.
I weep at times, wondering if I will ever share a moment like that, or if God even finds that OK. Or must I sacrifice those deep honest desires?
Thank you for letting me travel along in my quiet way on this very unorthodox and difficult journey we find ourselves on.
Anonymous
3:27 AMI'm glad my words have helped you find expression. It's always good to hear that someone can identify with me. I hope and pray the same thing for you that I pray for myself-- that no matter what happens, no matter what trials and tribulations you go through, you'll continue to hold on to God unceasingly, and trust in His unfailing Word and His infinite love.
Ash
8:50 PMomg. so did you like steal these thought out of my head. because i'm in the exact same dilemna you are in. and guess what i get it. i totally get it.
black. female. Christian. totally straight a year ago, never crossed my mind that i may fall for a woman.
today. black. female. Christian. bisexual. coping
o the stories i could tell. God...everything you said...those are my words..my thoughts..my life.
i will e-mail you. we should talk.
Anonymous
4:54 AMOK. My address is oddpsalms at gmail.com.
Ash
11:32 AM