Brutal honesty

I am attracted to guys. I don't deny it. I see a cute guy and there are times my mind runs away with itself. I fantasize. I imagine situations with nudity and hot and heavy breathing. I want to express my love in all its forms, lust included.

But beyond all that, I am in love with someone. I feel he knows. And if he does, he shows no fear of me whatsoever. He's a close friend and I adore him. But so very often I don't want anything else, except to just hold him. To just stand behind him, put my arms around him and nuzzle the nape of his neck, and then put my chin on his shoulder and tell him how I feel inside. To go to sleep with him and spoon, simply enjoying the warmth and intimacy. To watch him sleep, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath.

And yet, I am denied that joy. Why? Because I live in a world that does not accept me. I am an outcast from the church because the majority do not understand the homosexual hatred they harbour. And I do not belong with the homosexuals because I believe what I feel deep down inside-- that homosexuality is not part of God's plan. I serve a God that I sometimes feel has not been totally clear about what it means for me to be this way or feel the way I do. A God who, for reasons and purposes known only to Him, chose to let me turn out this way.

It's all good and well to discuss the issues concerning the church and the homosexual world at large, but I have bigger, more personal questions on my mind. I am a Christian. I love Jesus. I want to serve God with everything I have. But am I to live this way forever? Am I deny myself forever? I want a family. I want kids. I want a union that will be blessed by God. I've read things that challenge the traditional beliefs of homosexuality in the Bible, things that go so far as to say that homosexuality is OK to God. I'm afraid to give so much attention to these things because I do not want to stray from the will of God. And yet I find myself asking questions, because there are times when I'm not sure as to what God says about the issue. Is He trying to tell me that I can express these feelings inside me? Or are all these accounts simply human justification for the human desires felt inside?

I am not confused. My faith is not falling apart. If anything, I'm holding on to God more and more because I know His word is truth and truth will set me free. It's a challenge to live this path He has set me on.

But in the end, the question that plagues me still is this-- Will it be that all my "normal" friends and family move on with their lives with the natural progression of things, getting married, raising families, enjoying their heterosexuality in every form and expression that is offered to them by a God that has sanctified their union, and all the while, there I am, struggling to reconcile my sexuality and my faith, trying to make sense of things, yearning for absolution and freedom from the chains of bondage that I can't clearly see or fully comprehend?