Odds and ends

As a gay Christian guy, falling in love is an odd pitfall.

On one hand, the whole emotional, mental and physical effect it has on you is the same as with anyone else-- your heart flutters when you see that special someone, your mind is filled with thoughts of him, and every time you see him it puts a smile on your face.

On the other hand, it's a draining process when you're constantly faced with the juxtaposition of your God-grounded faith with your God-given desire to love and be loved in return. This juxtaposition has totally different levels of meaning when seen in the light of the "gay issue".

So here I am, kinda over him. Hardly even see him nowadays, and when I do, there's not much yearning. So I guess the cycle of "longing and moving past" is over. I wonder when the next one will hit. I do dread it because it'll mean more depression, more paranoia, more guilt.

But on some level, I miss it. I miss the butterflies in my stomach and the mind-addling euphoria that comes with the simplest of gestures or the tiniest moments of eye contact.

I dread it, but miss it. There's a juxtaposition for you.