Fighting the Site

I’m addicted to porn. I have been for a very long time, ever since I entered adolescence and heard about it in rumoured whispers in school. The release of masturbation is something that, like any drug, is powerfully enticing and hard to resist. The lustful thoughts I have cultivated and indulged over the years haunt me every day. But all I can do is rely on God to help me through.

There’s this site I have been visiting frequently over the past year or so. It’s basically one with real people doing stuff for money. You pay them, they dance / strip / masturbate / play with toys / have sex. Or even any combination of those. Some even do it for free.

And it’s completely addictive.

One night after a particularly long session staring at a guy on screen do things that satisfied my urges, I found myself introspective. Why was I having these desires? Why did I feel the need to come back day after day, night after night, and talk to and watch these guys? And then I realized what it was.

I wanted validation and connection.

You see, many of them seem just like normal people. They aren’t models or fancy porn stars. They’re just normal people who have signed up on this site to broadcast themselves for money. You can talk to them like normal people, and many of them share details of their days and their lives. It’s like having an online friend. A friend that strips and masturbates in front of you when you pay them.

And in some ways, that’s what I have yearned for in my heart. I desired a guy who I can talk to, laugh with, and have sex with. And I do realize that this site is a mere shadow, a shallow imitation of that. These people don’t really know me, or care about me. Their compliments and smiles and praises extend as far as my wallet. But like any drug, it fills the void, if just for the moment. And the emptiness fades.

Which is why I need Christ. He sees me in my dirt and depravity. He can fill up this emptiness with His love, His grace, His righteousness. Here I am, a sinful man who indulges his own sin, trying to claw myself out of this pit of addiction.

Good news is, it’s been better in recent weeks. I’ve been attending a bible study about relational brokenness, and some of the lessons I’ve learned have been amazingly eye-opening. I’m still a little hesistant about opening up fully about my struggle — I’m still very much in the closet — but it’s good to know I’m surrounded by people who are dealing with similar issues and are there for me if I need it. And through it all, I still hold to the truth that has brought me all this way.

Christ is enough for me.

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