I'm sure if my church knew I am gay, I bet I'd be pulled out of the ministry faster than you can say "God hates fags."The funny thing is, I've been leading worship in church and my youth group for the past couple of years. I often imagine the worst-- the church being utterly shocked that a *shudder* homosexual would be allowed into the church and even serve in the worship ministry! That a gay person could serve as a youth leader in the church's youth program! How can this be? He'll screw up our kids! Quick, we must pull them out of that godforsaken youth group!
All this despite the fact that I've been a member of the church for far longer than many of them; my family has been part of the church for four generations, and I've been serving in the church worship ministry for about four years now. Is the worship tainted because a gay person is leading it, despite the fact that said gay person desires to do God's will just as much as anyone else? Is his sin so different and so much worse than those of anyone else who comes to worship God?
I've been an active member of the youth ministry, eventually becoming a leader. So tell me, why should things change if people suddenly find out the truth about me? Will the youths suddenly turn homosexual if they knew the truth? Have I been putting some sort of homosexual propaganda into hidden reservoirs in their minds only for them to be activated if the news got out?
I suppose I would be asked to step down from these ministries to avoid "stumbling people", since not many people are very accepting of a gay person serving in ministry. It's like they're saying "You're gay, and we don't condemn you, but we condemn your sin. Oh, and because you're gay, you can't lead worship or lead our youths because it's not something a homosexual should do."
Well, if you mean that a sinner like me shouldn't be involved in ministry, I'd question the fairness of that statement. It seems that just because my sin is homosexuality (and it seems even just the being is considered the sin, what more the practice), I am lumped into some special, extra-bad category of sin where God's forgiveness and grace don't apply, or at least, applies less than it does for others.
If homosexuality is such a heinous sin, worse and more evil than the other sins, why is it that in the gospels, Jesus does not mention it specifically in his preaching? In terms of the sexual, He talks about lust, and here's a newsflash ladies and gentlemen-- the sin of lust applies to both sexual orientations.
So why the focus on one sin out of many others?
I love being a youth leader because it's where my passion lies. I want to see the youths come to God and experience His presence and power. I want to see them pray and lift high and holy hands in worship to Him. I want to see them do great and mighty things for Him and be used in incredible ways to spread His love.
But apparently all that is for naught because a gay Christian can't have the same dreams as a straight Christian. It's just not right. It's different.
But you know, nothing warms my heart more than to see God's people and youths in worship. To see them totally abandoned to His praise. To watch them as they close their eyes and enjoy His presence as they're filled with it.
But most of all, I love leading worship because it keeps me focused, and it reminds me of who I am in Jesus, and what He's done for me. It's in praise and worship that my perspective gets realigned so that everything is secondary to God, and it's in worship that He reminds me of who He has called me to be-- His servant, His loved one, and most of all, His friend.
Sexuality be damned.
You don't know me, but I came across your blog through technorati.com and thought I'd reply to your post.
I really feel where you're coming from and understand the hurt and confusion you feel. The rejection feels very personal and attacks a very intimite part of your life. So, I feel for ya and appreciate your honest scincere thoughts.
You're correct when you say that all sin is sin and equally offensive before God. However, some sin carries a higher consequence than others. For an extreme example (because extremes are often easier to compare), the consequence of killing someone is much different than the consequence of stealing a cookie. Stealing a cookie and murder are both wicked acts of sin and Christ died on the cross for both, but the weight of consequences one carries is obviously higher than the other. No one is perfect, but the consequences for a church leader with an on-going pattern of homosexuality will be higher than someone who isn't in such a position.
An on-going pattern of sin in any area of life (whether it be homosexuality, drunkenness, anger, gluttony, or lying) is reason for a more severe call to acccountability, as well. Struggling against a sin and doing all you can do to resist and break its hold on your life is much different than saying, "Everyone sins -- this is just my area of sin, so don't condemn me for it." I cannot excuse my sin just because everyone else does it too. God calls us to be holy and "above repreach," not "try your best to be like everyone else."
As church leaders, we're called to a higher standard of accountability. A google search let me to this link, which might be helpful for understanding this a little further: http://www.victorious.org/chur69.htm
I say all this, not to condemn you or even discourage you, rather to remind you that this pattern of sin can be broken. There are many examples in scripture of people who were disqualified from their service to the Lord because of their sin, but there are also just as many examples of those who repented, broke the pattern of sin in their lives, and were restored to their postition of leadership as more effective and dedicated servants of God than they were in the first place. I sense that your heart is sold out to God and to the areas of service in which He's gifted you. I trust that serving the Lord in this capcity is more important to you than holding on to a sin problem in your life. So, rather than taking any action on your church's part as a personal rejection, take it as a time for accountability, something that the Lord wants to use to really grab your attention, make you serious about sin, and mold you into an even more effective servant for Him. I've been through this process myself and can honestly say that it hurts a LOT, but the result of conforming more to the image of Christ is well worth the struggle.
I've written enough. I'll pray for ya today that you will be encouraged. God bless! :-)
Anonymous
2:14 AMTrue words. And I agree totally about the accountability and consequences because of my position. I actually meant to mention that too, and I'm glad you brought it up.
But let me reiterate-- I'm simply bothered my the fact that many people would have a gay person removed from ministry or even shun them in church simply because of their sexual orientation, regardless of whether that person is a practicing homosexual or not. It's that prejudice that would hurt. Even if my church was concerned about my holding a position because they feel I may be "more susceptible to sin" or something, it'd still be unfair because I'm not really more susceptible than most other people in leadership. I suppose what would be alright would be if the church asked me to step down if I was a practicing homosexual who didn't feel remorse for my actions, and didn't think it had any bearing or weight on my leadership or my faith.
But that's not how I feel. That's not a belief I hold at all.
I truly believe that it's not about justifying my sin, but justifying myself a someone who should be able to worship God and serve just like everyone else, because despite my sexuality, I do want to break free of it and reject the devil's temptations in my life. And I heartily reject the homosexuality in my life, even if that objection is sometimes hard to hold to. I've said so before in previous posts.
In any case, thanks a lot for your coments.
Ash
6:54 AMHello ash,
Chanced upon your website... A very interesting & productive way I'm sure to let out your "frustrations".
Some words of advice...
Not comparing sin here, just an example of possible paths to take... What would you have done if it was another sin like lust, fornication or adultery?
Announce to the church that you are sinning big time? Tell the world that you are lusting after your neighbor's wife?
No, you would talk to a respected church leader or a good friend that you hold in high regard because of his spiritual strength & character.
You would share with him your trials & tribulations. You would pray together & he would help you both spiritually & mentally. You would provide some accountability for yourself & he would help you to set your path straight in Christ.
Don't sell yourself short because of the prejudices of other people. If you are serving God in his ministry, you are doing what God intended. Your focus is on God, not on the sin that keeps you back.
I hope I have encouraged you in some way or other. Keep strong in the Lord. Will be praying for you continuously.
Anonymous
4:17 PMThanx for the advice. What you say is also true.
I doubt I'll ever make a public announcement or anything, but I was just wondering about the church's reaction, that's all. And I took that step already to tell a trusted leader, and he supports me and prays for me.
Ash
4:24 PMI was going to suggest the trusted leader thing too, but you've already done that.
This is one of those situations in which the people who are reasonable can't understand or foresee the behavior of people who are unreasonable -- ie: The people who would not see a problem with having a celibate gay person in a position of leadership can't really understand or even believe that others would have a problem with it. I've had to think about this too, as someone who does a lot of work with kids. The few parents who know about me don't understand why I don't tell others because they don't really believe that anyone would have a problem.
I will ask this, does your trusted leader feel that you need to pursue healing? Or that you can continue to serve God while being gay (but celibate)?
JJ
8:51 PMI'm the guy with the first comment here and I just wanted to let you know that I greatly admire your heart in all this. You understand the sin, realize the potential consequences, and desire to still do the right thing. Although I am personally not gay, I absolutely respect you and the struggle you're experiencing. I've seen people in your situation before and unfortunately they usually respond in anger, frustration, and sometimes reject the church altogether, so I'm encouraged to see your mature and insightful response instead. In my past experience with other people in your situation, usually the main two things I've seen break someone free from a pattern of homosexuality is: 1) a very bad experience with a partner who causes a lot of pain; or 2) professional Christian counseling. If you haven't checked out http://www.exodus-international.org/ before, I highly recommend them as a resource.
Again, I truly am encouaged to see you so honest and scincere in your struggle and the maturity in which you approach the issues. I'll pray for you again today that God will be glorified through you in all this. :-)
Anonymous
11:24 PM[JJ] He's known about my secret for a long while now, but has never questioned my position or shown any desire for me to leave. He's been supportive and continues to encourage me in my faith as well as in my roles in the ministries. So I thank God for him.
[anonymous] Thanx again for the encouragement. It's always nice to know someone's praying for you.
Ash
12:19 AMI'm pretty sure this isn't my blog, and i don't think I wrote that entry, but it sure sounds like me down to almost every detail - except for the fact that you seem more confident in your position and ability to get to where you desire to be.
It's wonderful that you communicate with your respected leader, and I'm sure he/she provides a great deal of much needed encouragement and prayer. I have to ask, though, how did you do it? How did you bring up the topic in the first place, and had the individual ever suspect that you might be dealing with this?
Anonymous
8:03 AMWell, after I came to terms with my sexuality, I started telling people I trusted. I figured I needed a someone to turn to, someone I looked up to and trusted. So I told my leader, and he took it well. I just told him that I had a problem that was affecting me and my faith, and I needed someone for accountability. I picked him because he was and is everything that I want to be... He's been my mentor for the longest time, someone who has guided me and been with me through thick and thin, so who better to confide in?
He said he did have a suspicion, but never actually thought too much about it. What exactly gave rise to his suspicions, he wasn't sure.
Ash
11:30 AMAs someone in a similar situation, I understand where you're coming from. Though I have come to the opposite conclusion regarding the sinfulness of homosexuality, I'll pray for you and hope you will find peace in Christ. Whether this comes through a change in attitude, orientation, or a decision for lifelong celibacy, I'll leave for God's plan.
Anonymous
1:44 PMThanx detrevni. Hey, for the life of me, I don't know why I find your e-mail so familiar...
Hehe I don't know you, do I? Where you from?
Ash
6:18 PMMiddle of nowhere, Mississippi I fear. I have posted here before, so maybe that is where you have seen it? When I'm not working on my MA thesis (as I'm supposed to), I wander to and fro on the net trying to understand the amazing variety of human thought and behavior.
Anonymous
1:49 PMHi Ash! I have been going thru this site once so often just continue in supporting you and understanding your struggles. I really thank God for some of the really great responses you're getting from others around the blog.
I personally believe that Jesus doesn't condemn the homosexuals and I believe that He'll provide the solution to every problems we'll encounter.
At a personal tone, I truly believe you are a great leader and some day become more that you can imagine as long as you abide in Him as He'll abide in you. I know the Holy Spirit will guide you. I will continue to pray and support you thru every journey. Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
A friend ;)
Anonymous
11:19 AMash, aren't you judging the Church even though they did nothing yet? Your whole tirade seems to be about what you assume the church would do to you... rather unfair, no?
Anonymous
1:06 AMI assume many things, Rex. And what I assume is based on what I have seen and heard, on the sentiments that I have observed and seen in the church. And given my position, barring actually coming out, all I have left to me are assumptions-- assumptions which are the most likely case if the church actually knew the truth about me.
A large number of people in most churches would react negatively toward a homosexual, practicing or not, and to deny this fact is to be overly optimistic. And even those who ostensibly react in a "good" way would probably still hold within their hearts the stigma of what they believe a homosexual is or is like or should be like. Truly positive (or at least, non-condemning and maybe even spiritually-encouraging) reactions would be few and far between.
And yes, these are also assumptions and they're probably unfair-- I assume my church would react badly based on the underlying sentiments. I assume the church would not accept me because of this problem in my life simply because it would be easier to say "No" than to say "I'll help". I assume the church is lacking in its capacity to love, based on my own lack and my own shortcomings.
But which is more unfair? My assumptions about the church's probable reactions, or the fact that I am relegated to these assumptions by the very church I should find solace and fellowship with simply because I have no avenue or channel with which to voice my pains and problems?
But all in all, this is not a tirade against my church. It's a rant about the frustration and fear and paranoia I feel. It's the out-pouring of my hopes and dreams, along with the things that choke and strangle them.
It's all one really big IF.
Ash
1:24 AM