Ever have a reason for the day being lousy, but then u couldn't tell anyone why?

Today is one of those days. Desiring someone isn't always such a bad thing... Straight people think about people all the time. They confide in their friends about people they have feelings for. They think about these people without any real guilt.

And here I am, thinking about a guy. Wishing things weren't so hard. Wishing I could tell someone how I feel. Simply wishing that it was alright to feel this way, or that I didn't feel this way at all. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone how I feel or why I feel this way. Because talking about it would be wrong. Telling someone I like another guy would be wrong, wouldn't it? Even if it isn't really, who would I tell? Who could I tell that wouldn't think me disgusting or embracing my sin?

Everyone goes by with their notions of what's right and wrong in the church, and how everyone should live their lives. And naturally, they would all probably have preconceived notions of how a gay Christian should live or do. I often imagine myself coming out, and after being accepted by my church (a really big IF), discovering the agreement whenever I tell them I believe homosexuality is wrong. Seeing the nods of approval whenever I deny my thoughts, whenever I say no to that part of me. Feeling the burden of desire in me, and feeling so wrong whenever I'm with these Christians. Sometimes I just want to run away from church, you know? The burden I feel... the underlying disapproval of the Christians at church... The animosity that lurks there, waiting to crash into me should the word ever get out.

And all I want to do is tell someone about the affection I have inside me for another person. I want to say how I feel inside everytime he is around, and the hopes and dreams and worries I have about him. I want to say why I like him, and why I smile everytime he's around. I want to say how he brightens up my day just by talking to me or simply just smiling at me. And I want to tell people why some days seem so long and why I seem so depressed... because I can't have him. Because he's a guy. Deep down inside, I feel myself dying little by little every time I realize I can't have the person I want. And I can't tell anyone.

I have a friend who flirts. And it disgusts me. The shameless charming of women... It's not something he should do, right? But then I wonder... Do I feel this way because I myself can't do it? Would I flirt with guys if it was an option for me?

Straight people have it so easy, they don't even realize. I see the guys around me, talking about girls and getting all down about them. All of them, flirting and thinking about women. What I would give to have that desire for women. What I would give to feel down about a girl and not a guy.

What I would give to be "normal".