I haven't posted in a while.

I suppose it's all due to the fact that because I don't embrace the gay side of me, I feel like I have less to talk about. If you asked me why I am in denial about that part of me, I would probably say that it's because I don't want to give it any room to grow. I don't want to acknowledge it because by acknowledging it, I'd be giving it room to grow and justify itself.

On the other hand, it's getting hard to deny myself the reality of the desires that come with that side of me. I'm incessantly turned on by so many things around me. I find that it's becoming more difficult to say no to the desires within me, and I often catch myself fantasizing, or staring at someone I'm drawn toward.

Sometimes I'd like nothing more than to give into my desires. To satisfy my carnal urges. I stare at the object of my desire and notice the little things about him-- the way his hair sways, the way he walks, the way his jeans crease and fold and frame his butt when he moves... the way he laughs at jokes, the things that get him angry...

And oh man, the smile. I melt every single time.

Images of ear-nibbling and neck-kissing and licking dance in my head, with my tongue leading adventurous jaunts around his body, always exploring. Even just holding him would cause my heart to flutter.

And amid it all, I just don't know what to do. I feel like just shrugging everything off and jumping headlong into the reality that tears away at my insides... friends, family and people who judge me be damned. I get all these feelings inside, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to get away. I'm angry, I'm bitter, and I just want someone to tell me it's OK.

Is that so much to ask?

We Christians are such hypocrites. No... actually it's people in general. But Christians bear a bigger responsibility simply because we're called to strive to God's standards. And we fail so many times. But never has there been a bigger example of our failure than the lack of understanding of what it means to be gay and Christian. Or simply gay for that matter.

Everytime I hear a Christian friend make a negative comment about gays, I feel a twinge of annoyance and guilt inside. I often agree, or play the part and say how gross a gay display on TV is, or whatever else I happen to see with my friends. But then, I feel hurt because it's like they're talking about me. I feel bad because I myself am being such a hypocrite.

But what's a guy to do? Being gay and Christian does not ostensibly go together, and I'm often torn between my desire and my faith. I'm pained by what I imagine my friends in church would say if they knew the truth, but at the same time, I'm bitter because a part of myself dares me to try it and tell them... just to test how much they believe what they all say about loving your neighbour.

Then, when they shun me and walk away, I can laugh at them and jeer at them and tell myself I was right about those hypocrites all along. I can tell myself that I didn't really need them anyway, 'cause they're not real friends. Real friends wouldn't walk away. Real friends would support me! Yeah, I'll laugh and I'll sneer and I'll show them their lies.

Because maybe then I can forget that I'm alone.