JJ, you inspire me.

I don't know how you do it... For me, it always seems that there's someone who overcomes the fence simply because it's not feasible for me to avoid them. On the other hand, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I ever really made the fence that high. Whenever I meet someone I'm attracted to, I seem to be pulled along in the ensuing tide of emotions, and then one day I wake up and discover I'm depressed about a guy I can never admit I love to anyone. And then all I can do is weather the storm and wait for it to blow over. Which could take months or even years. And there have been times it has taken that long. Now I'm not the type of person who has a crush on someone every week or something. In the 2 decades of my short life, I've only ever loved 3 guys, all straight.

The first one was my first major crush on a guy... the kind where you'd get butterflies in your stomach whenever the person's around. We were really close too... and in many ways I believe that was something I could've avoided, but didn't want to. We would talk about everything and anything for hours. We'd confide in each other about every little and big thing, and it came to a point when I just wanted to tell him my secret, and I did. He took it very well, better than I had hoped. The fact that I had told him something so deeply personal wasn't lost on him. If anything, it made us closer. He didn't even avoid the issue either-- he used to talk to me about guys and what I was attracted to.

But it was not to last.

I confided in him that I'd had feelings for him in the early stages of our friendship. That he didn't take very well. It's been about 5 years... he hasn't spoken to me since. The funny thing is that I had gotten over him already, and the relationship we had was something I treasured over all others, simply because I had made it past the "selfish love" point, and just loved him as a brother. Or closer than a brother. But that didn't seem to matter. Thus far, I have never had another friendship as close as that one.

Incidentally, he's not a Christian.

The second guy I fell for knows all this, and knows my secret, and also knows I had something for him before. I used to do all sorts of stuff for him, and I sometimes think back and ask myself-- would I have done all that if I hadn't had something for him?

Yes. Yes, I would have.

I didn't mean for him to find out (someone I trusted apparently wasn't so trustworthy), but in the long run, I'm glad he did. He came to terms with it, and our friendship lasted and grew. And he told me once that the reason he got over his homophobia was because he has me as a friend. I really love this guy because he's closer than a brother to me, and I'm glad he's in my life. Thank you, BLYC, for all the support and talks we've had, and I hope to see you soon.

Now this third guy... well, it's an ongoing saga. I cannot deny that I'm already head-over-heels fallen for him. You know, it's weird-- As the years go by, I get wiser and more cynical about things. And I also learn more about love and relationships. I sometimes wonder why I don't avoid the situations with each guy when it seems they can be easily avoided. But you know what? I think it's because I don't believe the attraction by itself is wrong. I already believe in the practice of homosexuality as a sin, something I've no doubt the church would be all too eager to agree on, but I'm not going to say that attraction is lumped in the same category. We cannot control our attractions; we can only control our actions. (Thanx, JJ! It has such a great ring to it. )

And I've discovered that even if I go through days of depression and heartache, loathing and pain... for me it's worth it. For all of those guys. Just to be able to talk with them. Just to be able to see them smile. Just to be able to laugh with them. To simply have had the chance to love them, no holds barred, no strings attached.

And believe it or not, even though I can get angry at God for the pain, I thank Him for it. I thank Him because being this way has taught me so much. I thank Him for the love I have inside for these guys, because even though many would call it wrong, I know that I love them for love's sake. And even if it begins selfishly, it always always grows into unconditional brotherly love, something which I attribute to God's hand. Going through the burning emotions that feel like they're killing me has brought me much needed strength and experience. Because I know throughout my life, I'm going to go through this again and again, and the more I do, the better equipped I'll be. And I praise God because dark valleys inevitably lead upward to mountain-tops, and it's there where I can bask in the glory of God and worship Him for bringing me through. It's there where I can enjoy his presence and love and grace, all to prepare me for the next dark valley.

So, would I have given all this up and avoided these guys if I had known I was going to go through long hard days?

No. Never.