You

I can't sleep. I can't sleep because my mind is swirling with so many things, but mostly you. I wonder what you're doing… Probably sleeping, breathing in the cold air-conditioned air, snug under your blankets. Oh, what I would give to watch you, to see the rise and fall of your form with each breath. To be there with you, to hug you to sleep, to feel your skin beneath my hands, to be so close that I smell your every breath, and take heart in the fact that I would wake with you, and smile with you in my arms, and kiss you into waking. If only you knew how much I feel inside for you…

The night is quiet and all I can hear is the hum of the laptop. Not even the crickets are out tonight. I can't sleep because I miss you. I can't sleep because I know I will miss you. If I leave, it'll just mean I'll be further from you. I'll see you less, hear you less, feel you less.

I wonder if you think of me, somewhere in the shadows of your mind. I wonder if you know that I could simply sit and look at your face, drinking in every detail, and be satisfied. I wonder if you know that your joy is my joy and your tears are my tears no matter what, and I wonder if you know how much it lifts me to see you, to be around you, and yet how much it pains me and breaks my heart every time because you're not mine, and will never be because I'm chained with burdens against my will and nature.

I die every time you call my name and my heartstrings tear every time you laugh. Like a moth to a flame, I'm drawn to you, because within the burning pain lies joy that is worth the emotional suicide. Sometimes I wonder how long I'll last before the flame consumes me. Sometimes I think I should run far away, but I have not the strength or willpower to turn away from you. And I just keep coming back.

And yet, I hold back from doing more. Why? Because I know there are things bigger than us. There are things bigger than my pain. I know there are things beyond what I can see. I know God's heart is bigger than mine. I know God's love is bigger than mine. I love you so much, but God loves us infinitely more. I look to the one day when it won't hurt as much, the day when I can look at you and not cry inside. I pray for that day to come when my desire for you is pure and beyond that, I pray that my love for you will be like His.

I can't sleep. I hope you can.