It's beginning again.
That old familiar tugging. Everytime I see him. Inside, my heart is stirring once more. I know that, slowly but surely, I am falling for him. I know that as I see him more and more and hang around him more and more, I will soon start to love him. And love makes me do stupid things. Love makes one yearn. And yearning can really suck sometimes.
I'm tired. Tired of struggling with it. Tired of always trying to fight it. Tired of the temptation. Tired of the guilt of loving someone I'm not supposed to love. At least, not like that.
I'm tired of this cycle. Meeting someone, falling for him, loving him, having to push the love deep inside and stifle it, having it eventually plateau and calm as the years pass, and then meeting someone else and having the whole thing start again.
There is this itch inside that I cannot scratch. An insistent burning within that I cannot quench by myself. I want to LOVE. But there is nowhere for this love to go. How does one love when love is not allowed? How does one express a love that, without expression, eats away at you because you constantly hold it inside without letting it breathe?
God, if it be Your will, take this love from me. I don't wanna do it anymore. It hurts too much.
My friend, my dear on-line friend. How I wish I could just give you a pat answer and everything would be clear. How I wish there wasn't such pain. How I wish an on-line hug or a long long time of just sitting with you even in silence could somehow make this hurt go away.
But for now, I hope you take a small bit of comfort in knowing that your writing is beautiful, and that you are understood, and you are loved. Your courage to face and share your thoughts is amazing.
Unknown
10:44 PMThanx, man. Means a lot.
Ash
10:50 PM