Returning

Hi to anyone still reading!

I know I've been away for months, and that's simply because I've been busy with my life. That is, my real life. I think it's no secret, but if it is, I hereby reveal that this blog and this persona are merely facades.

No, I'm still gay. And my experiences, thoughts and opinions are still very much real and based on what I go and have been through. What I mean is that nowhere on this site will you find my real name, or names of anyone I know or anything else that I feel would give away information about me. Why? Because like so many of the people who have similar blogs to mine, I'm still in the closet. And as such, this side of my life (i.e. the blog and the thoughts concerning my sexual orientation) often take a backseat, especially when things get hectic. Suffice to say I've been too busy living life to think about life. As such, the e-mail address attached to this blog tends to also be somewhat neglected, and I apologize. But I always check it, even if not everyday.

In any case, I recently checked on the blog and e-mail account again after a long absence and discovered e-mails waiting for me. I was about to sit down to a nice afternoon of Wii-ing, but changed my mind and thought it prudent to update everyone a bit.

A reader recently asked me for a quick run-down of my story, as in how my gay life and Christian life have mixed (or not). Well, if I haven't already shared this, here's the thing-- I don't have a gay life. I have gay attractions.

I said before that I believe homosexuality is a choice, insofar as the lifestyle is concerned. One chooses to live the lifestyle or turn from it. I have chosen to be celibate, though that in itself is always a struggle. But as far as the attraction goes... Well, ask any straight person if they could "choose" to be gay, and they'd stare at you like you had an extra head.

Or three.

As for how my Christian lifestyle and gay attractions have mixed, it's kind of an interesting question. As a Christian, I love God, and I want to love Him more and more with everything that I am. So Christ is who I live my life for, or at least, try my best to. But I'm also gay (i.e. and by "gay", I mean in attraction, not lifestyle), and it's hard to separate your sexuality from who you are. Ask any straight person; it's a part of them. So here I am, a young man with two seemingly antithetical sides to my life, both distinct but very much a part of me-- I'm a Christian with same sex attractions.

How has this affected my ministry and service to God? Well, taking worship as an example, I said this in an earlier post:

"[N]othing warms my heart more than to see God's people and youths in worship. To see them totally abandoned to His praise. To watch them as they close their eyes and enjoy His presence as they're filled with it.

But most of all, I love leading worship because it keeps me focused, and it reminds me of who I am in Jesus, and what He's done for me. It's in praise and worship that my perspective gets realigned so that everything is secondary to God, and it's in worship that He reminds me of who He has called me to be-- His servant, His loved one, and most of all, His friend."

Even though I struggle with my attractions to other guys, I try as much as possible not to let it hinder me from serving God. Should it matter that I'm gay? If I hate it when people judge me and hold me back from praising and serving Him because I'm gay, shouldn't I at least begin by making sure I don't hold myself back? Why should sexuality determine how I worship Him? Why should being gay stop me from serving Him with all that I am?

It shouldn't. No guilt, no evil thought, no temptation, no sin, should ever stop us from worshipping Him, from giving our all for Him.

Does that mean I don't sin? No. Does that mean that my attractions and temptations don't sometimes get the better of me? Of course not. Does that mean I don't have dry periods and times when I feel lost and alone? No. This blog is evidence of that. I still sin and I still fall. But what Christ has done is given me the resolve to stand up and keep running. He has broken the chains of sin in my life so I can stand and boldly declare His claim on my life, and say that even though I fail, I will not give up. Though I fall, I will not stay down. Though I sin, I will not stay in sin. The devil will never have me.

Because I belong to Christ.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has given me words of encouragement about my writing in any shape or form. I am very glad that my posts have helped people I have never seen, heard or met, and probably never will. Even so, know that I appreciate all you've said. I think for me, that's the reason I keep writing. What began as a venting outlet continues now as a means to connect with and minister to others as hurt as I am, in the hope that as I reach out, I will find others with hands outstretched, all of us trying as best we can to keep our heads above the tide that washes over us again and again, all of us refusing to drown because we know that as long as we hang on to our Saviour, we can be sure of one thing--

He will keep us afloat.

2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned,
The flames will not set you ablaze.
3"For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Saviour."

- Isaiah 43:2-3